Dear high school me,
It's been a while since I've talked to you. Lately, I've been reflecting on you: my past. High school was overall a grand old time, wasn't it? I had a lot of fun, to say the least. The fun, however, was swamped with the letdowns, the backstabbers, and the heartbreaks. High school was great, but the cons seemed to painfully outweigh the pros.
If only I knew then what I know now, maybe we'd be in a different place. Maybe things would have changed if I had done things in a different way. But I like how my life is now. What if I didn't go down the path I did? There are so many possibilities, but there are also so many things I would change for you.
I wish you would have picked a different guy to spend three years with, or waited for the right guy, like the guy I have now. Your silly brain was too much in love with the fact of actually having a boyfriend as a 14-year-old freshman.
You were completely innocent, as your heart was a thousand times bigger than his. You realized very slowly over time that he was not for you, but you didn't want to ruin that reputation. You loved the labels "boyfriend" and "relationship" it was embarrassing to you to be viewed as the single girl. You guys fought a lot, I remember. He jumped up and down on your heart and played with your feelings a little too much. You were too young to be messed with.
I'm glad you finally cut the cord. I'm happy things landed the way they did, because now I have a much better man who treats me well. Your boyfriend wasn't a man; he was a coward, and he lost something good. One day, he'll realize that, and he'll hate it. It'll kill him. That sweet revenge sounds good, but he's not important.
With that being said, I wish you would have spent more time with your friends. They did care about you, but you were too blind to see that. You were so caught up in your dreamboat. You had a feeling your dreamboat would sink, but you wanted to cross that bridge when you got there. Your friends warned you and sent you red flags, but you wouldn't listen. I guess things come with consequences. I wouldn't say you lost your friends because of a boy, but they stuck around when they shouldn't have. Maybe you're lucky.
Today, it's different. Do you miss them? I miss the friendships, but I don't think I miss the people. They did hurt me too many times, using my mother's death as an excuse to stick around, like your boyfriend did. I really wonder why anyone's heart can be so damn cold, almost frozen in existence. It doesn't matter anymore because college showed me new things and new friends to count on.
Both of those things hurt me really bad; but out of everything else that had happened, I wish you would have listened to your mother. She was telling you to run. She was begging you to leave that boyfriend of yours and get away from home after high school. Money was a big portion of your worries, so you wanted to stay home and go to college there. But she wanted you to get away, and live independently on your own. You did just that, but you should have trusted her gut with that jerk. Now it's too late to make it up to her.
How does it feel being stuck in the past of what once was? You're trapped and locked in a glass case, begging to get out and be free. But I locked you in there because I left you behind. You were a good person. You received great grades, got accepted to your dream college, and graduated with the National Honor Society. You sat in the front row and felt like you really mattered.
I'm proud of those moments. I still look back and reminisce on them, but I moved on from that chapter. The page turned as soon as you turned that tassel. The minute you threw that cap in the air was the minute you let everything go. You were smart in high school, but not smart enough. A few of the decisions you made with different people were dumb. So, you dropped it all.
You walked out of that high school proud and happy to become a different person. You were excited to start anew at Rowan University. You weren't going to be broken again by people who didn't give a crap about you. They always say that high school is the best four years of your life, but I guess they didn't go to college.
I left you behind in that school and walked away for good.
Now, look at me. I'm getting grades good enough for Dean's List. I met the REAL love of my life. I'm following my dream of becoming a teacher. I'm a junior now. It's been almost 3 years since I left you. I do miss you, and wish I could go back for one more day, but I know I'm stronger than that. I did say I would have changed a few things to make my high school experience better, but I would be lying. I wouldn't be where I am without those unfortunate events. They made me tough, and they shaped me to be the person I am today.
Look, it was great talking to you again because this has been on my mind. Would I go back to high school? Yes, I honestly would have changed my entire outlook. For the rest of my life, I will feel the pain I went through. Damaged is an understatement. I was way more than damaged. High school was super painful when it shouldn't have been, but your actions played a tiny part in it.
Thank you for doing your best, and I hope you live with the guilt and regret for a long time. You will always be a part of my life, and I'll always remember you.
Until next time,
Your Future Self