2019 has been a mixture of emotions: frustration, excitement, anger, heartbreak, happiness, etc.

Being a theatre major means that I have to give so much of myself to my art: time, energy, emotion. I'm asked to give so much. I get so wrapped up in my projects because I truly believe that every single one will further me in my career that I get lost. Since starting college, I've felt lost. Don't get me wrong— I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities that have come my way and how every single one has managed to teach me something.

I worked on a total of 14 productions this year in a mixture of staged readings, workshops, cabarets, and fully realized productions. I worked as an assistant director, a director, a dramaturg, and in some cases, a playwright and producer. Yes, my resume certainly had a few boosts.

But I didn't sleep. I didn't eat sometimes (but yet, still managed to gain a lot of weight), and I most certainly didn't end my caffeine addiction. I also missed opportunities to spend time with friends. I missed opportunities to go on dates (and the ones I did, did not go well). I missed opportunities to curl up in bed on a Saturday afternoon and just read a book.

I watched my friends go out to football games. I watched my sister marry the love of her life. I watched friends have fun and live their lives beautifully and authentically. I did all this while watching my life go by. I'm a sophomore heading into my fourth semester of college, and while I feel like have accomplished so much, I still feel incredibly unfulfilled.

This past fall, I fell into an incredibly deep depression. There were days when I would wander campus and avoid everyone and anything at all costs. Then there were days when I would sit in my room, unable to leave. I threw myself into work to avoid confronting what was bothering me. And all it did was end up burning me out.

My biggest weakness is that I go all-in with everything that I do. My work. My love life. My friendships. My family. That's not necessarily a bad thing-- but when you give it everything you have and it doesn't end up the way you want it to, you end up getting your heart broken.

So often I'm asked if I'm happy doing what I do. And the answer is yes-- but I don't want theatre to be the only thing that makes me happy. I want to experience new things and live my life. I feel so incredibly lucky and privileged to be studying theatre at Penn State and to be learning from some of the greatest people in the industry, don't get me wrong. But there comes a point when you feel like you can't do it anymore. That you need to set down the torch for a little bit. In the spring, while completing my BA in Theatre Studies, I will also be adding on a BA in Comparative Literature. I miss reading and analyzing - I want to write.

My phrase for 2020 and for this new decade is "Yes and no." Saying "yes" to experiences that are new, exciting, and will help me learn and grow. Saying "no" to experiences and people who don't have my best interest at heart.

I'm going to be 20 years old next month. A new decade of life for me and a new decade for this world.

I can't wait to see what these next 10 years bring me.

I'll see you in 2029.