I think at one point or another, we've all given up on love. Everyone that is, except for me.
The hopeless romantic that I am, I’d never give up on love, although I’ve certainly entertained the idea. But every time I’ve tried, I just couldn’t seem to do it. Despite the many pangs, tears and heartbreaks that I’ve endured, giving up has never been a part of who I am.
I’ve suffered the loss of love from devastating breakups, infidelity and even the death of the love of my life. A man that I was in a relationship with for several years and my first real love was killed in 2009. I remember like it was yesterday, receiving the phone call at 11:21 on that evening in November. The days that led up to his funeral were all a blur. During that time, I came to understand the meaning of an “outer-body experience”. In my grief, I remember telling myself that I’d never, EVER love anyone the way that I loved him.
And then someone new came along.
When he showed up, I was at a different kind of low point. My self-esteem and self-worth were coasting on empty. I wouldn’t say that I was desperate, but in a way, I was. I was desperate to feel alive and desired and worth something. I was desperate to feel anything other than the pain that I was feeling for all of the love that had escaped me. So when he came into my life and into my heart, it was magical. He exchanged my anguish with purity, gentleness and love. He replaced my insecurities with confidence. He restored the value of my Self back to me. And then, just like that, we were done.
Or maybe I was done. And then I changed my mind. But then he was done, and…
Then, I thought of giving up again. For all of the love that has continued to pass through my fingers, grazing my heart and landing on the floor in a million little pieces. I thought of throwing in the towel for all of the lovers of my heartache’s past. For once, I wanted to break Love’s heart and let him see how it feels. Maybe, I'm just not the lovey-dovey kind that I'd always thought myself to be. Maybe I'm in a different place in my life right now. I can honestly say that I feel like I'm on a journey of "all things love", but not necessarily to fall in love with anyone specifically, just falling in love with myself. At this exact moment in time, my life is pretty damn good. I feel like I'm more aware of who I am and I'm more focused than ever. And I like the freedom that comes with being unapologetic & unattached. I'm 100% dedicated to Me. As I've stated in a previous post, sometimes I even feel like love can be a distraction.
Sometimes, I think I’m more comfortable with heartbreak than love, anyway. I know how to cope with it. Maybe I even seek it instead of love. I’m so used to heartache that it seems normal now. I know the stages. First, I’ll be hurt, then that will manifest into anger which then transforms into my nonchalant disposition for the next man who comes along.
I knew that your intent was to inflict on me the pain that I caused you. And you won. But did you really, though? It hurts. But not like it used to. After my ex died, I knew then that I could get over the pain of losing anyone. And you are no exception. But to give up on love, that’s just not the makeup of me. I couldn’t give up on love. Not even if I tried. And I don’t even want to give up on love. So maybe, I’ll just give up on you.