Hello My Love, Goodbye

I think at one point or another, we've all given up on love. Everyone that is, except for me.

The hopeless romantic that I am, I’d never give up on love, although I’ve certainly entertained the idea. But every time I’ve tried, I just couldn’t seem to do it. Despite the many pangs, tears and heartbreaks that I’ve endured, giving up has never been a part of who I am.

I’ve suffered the loss of love from devastating breakups, infidelity and even the death of the love of my life. A man that I was in a relationship with for several years and my first real love was killed in 2009. I remember like it was yesterday, receiving the phone call at 11:21 on that evening in November. The days that led up to his funeral were all a blur. During that time, I came to understand the meaning of an “outer-body experience”. In my grief, I remember telling myself that I’d never, EVER love anyone the way that I loved him.

And then someone new came along.

When he showed up, I was at a different kind of low point. My self-esteem and self-worth were coasting on empty. I wouldn’t say that I was desperate, but in a way, I was. I was desperate to feel alive and desired and worth something. I was desperate to feel anything other than the pain that I was feeling for all of the love that had escaped me. So when he came into my life and into my heart, it was magical. He exchanged my anguish with purity, gentleness and love. He replaced my insecurities with confidence. He restored the value of my Self back to me. And then, just like that, we were done.

Or maybe I was done. And then I changed my mind. But then he was done, and…

Then, I thought of giving up again. For all of the love that has continued to pass through my fingers, grazing my heart and landing on the floor in a million little pieces. I thought of throwing in the towel for all of the lovers of my heartache’s past. For once, I wanted to break Love’s heart and let him see how it feels. Maybe, I'm just not the lovey-dovey kind that I'd always thought myself to be. Maybe I'm in a different place in my life right now. I can honestly say that I feel like I'm on a journey of "all things love", but not necessarily to fall in love with anyone specifically, just falling in love with myself. At this exact moment in time, my life is pretty damn good. I feel like I'm more aware of who I am and I'm more focused than ever. And I like the freedom that comes with being unapologetic & unattached. I'm 100% dedicated to Me. As I've stated in a previous post, sometimes I even feel like love can be a distraction.

Sometimes, I think I’m more comfortable with heartbreak than love, anyway. I know how to cope with it. Maybe I even seek it instead of love. I’m so used to heartache that it seems normal now. I know the stages. First, I’ll be hurt, then that will manifest into anger which then transforms into my nonchalant disposition for the next man who comes along.

I knew that your intent was to inflict on me the pain that I caused you. And you won. But did you really, though? It hurts. But not like it used to. After my ex died, I knew then that I could get over the pain of losing anyone. And you are no exception. But to give up on love, that’s just not the makeup of me. I couldn’t give up on love. Not even if I tried. And I don’t even want to give up on love. So maybe, I’ll just give up on you.


Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

-Having struggled with acne prone skin for years, I was cautious to try a new serum on top of the other products I've come to trust.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Your Social Activism May Actually Benefit From A Cleansing Social Media Detox

In the craziest year of our lives, sometimes there's value in taking a break.

We are living through, unequivocally, one of the most dangerous, unstable, chaotic periods of any of our lives. From COVID-19 to crises of police brutality to the mass exploitation of the poor by mega-corporations, the world outside seems to be looking more dystopic every day. What can be done about it? For many, activism involves heavily posting on social media to keep others aware. However, this comes with a net negative cost — increased levels of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness about the state of the world. Why might this be? After all, in past eras activists have endured comparable and greater levels of abuse and relentless torment from oppressors. Why, now, are people getting so easily burnt out?

Keep Reading... Show less

Reading is a relaxing activity that provides many benefits. Everybody reads books (when they are not watching Netflix, chatting on social media, or making Tik Tok videos) to distract themselves from reality for a while. Many do not realize the positive impact that books have like reducing stress, assisting with sleep, improving cognitively, and strengthening the mind. In honor of National Book Day, there are many great novels that you can read to mark this special holiday. Here are the best ones to check out.

Keep Reading... Show less
Entertainment

5 Things You Need To Know Before You Watch 'Arrested Development' On Netflix

"Her?" Yes, she's an amazing show! (You'll get this joke after you watch the show).

Netflix

"Arrested Development" is an award-winning sitcom that aired for three seasons on Fox beginning in 2003, and then was picked up by Netflix for a fourth season in 2013, and then again for a final season in 2018.

However, it seems to remain one of the world's most underrated and under-appreciated shows of all time. Although this article alone won't be enough to skyrocket the show to Netflix's top 10, I hope that it will open people's eyes to the value and quality of the show.

Keep Reading... Show less

I have always felt left out because of how I look and who I am. I have always felt like the elephant in the room, literally. I have always been shamed for my size. For the longest time, I cared so much about what I wear and who I wore certain things in front of. I never wanted to wear shirts that would show a lot of my arm, located above my elbow. I wouldn't wear shorts that didn't go to the tip of my knees, at least. I never wore anything remotely tight, where you could see every curve, roll, or imperfection. I was so insecure about myself, and not many of my friends knew.

Keep Reading... Show less

Being a pharmacy technician never held as many risks as it does now. Exposure too hazardous conditions were little to none, and garbing up was only conducted in IV compounding. But, now, in order to give nurses the medications they need to help their patients, they need us, pharmacy technicians.

Keep Reading... Show less
Swoon

I Asked My Boyfriend His Opinion On Liking Other Girls’ Pictures, And, Spoiler Alert, It's Cheating

"When you get into a relationship and you're in love, you have to realize that liking photos is for the single lifestyle."

Ladies, listen up. If you are in a relationship with a guy and he is liking other girls' pictures on social media, then it's a red flag. A man who can look at someone else and show interest by liking it means he doesn't care about your feelings AT ALL.

Keep Reading... Show less
Entertainment

Celebrities Stealing Designs From Small Fashion Labels Is NOT A Good Look, And They Need To Pay Up

When larger, more established figures or brands steal from lesser-known independent creators, they are taking opportunities away from these creators while also profiting from someone else's work and claiming it as their own.

Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B recently collaborated on their new single "WAP," with the music video also being released on Friday. Both Megan Thee Stallion and Cardi B posted photos of themselves on Instagram to celebrate the premiere of "WAP." An independent designer quickly noticed that the rappers' matching tops were copies of a top she had designed last year.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

When You Have A Disability, Finding A Job Is Twice As Hard, Believe Me, I Know

We have got to create a safer work environment for people with disabilities.

"My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn't prevent you from doing well, and don't regret the things it interferes with. Don't be disabled in spirit as well as physically." – Stephen Hawking

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

7 Books That Are NOT In The Young Adult Genre That Will Change Your Life

Young Adult isn't the only genre that exists, so here are seven books that any book lover wanting to try something new will love.

One of the most popular genres in literature that everyone has read at least one book from is Young Adult fiction. Now, I personally can say that, in the past, I have been one of those people that only read from the YA section of the bookstore.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with just reading one genre, it's good sometimes to venture out of your reading comfort zone into the other book genres of the literary world.

In a previous article, I discussed the importance and power of words. The perfect example of this is literature and its impact on the world. Books have always played a crucial part in human lives, from how we are able to expand our knowledge to how we pass our time.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments