I Hear Voices, But Who Doesn't?

I Hear Voices, But Who Doesn't?

Life is already scary. To have my own brain telling me how horrible I am only makes it scarier.

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I hear voices.

I think the first time I heard a voice was when I was seven or eight. I was standing in the field next to my house and my brain started telling me I was evil.

I have heard the voices on and off throughout the rest of my life. I don't think I have a disorder or anything, at least I haven't been diagnosed with one. I just think my conscious is mean and likes to see the negative in life.

The voices have never told me to hurt others or to do something that doesn't make logical sense. However, they don't play fair.

The voices know everything I know and more.

This makes it hard to convince me it isn't real.

If my own head is telling me I'm a horrible person, that has to mean something right?

Sometimes the voices are quiet, like when I am showering or reading. Other times they ring in my head and beg to be heard. They tell me how I disappoint my boss, how I will never achieve the goals I have. The voices think I can't succeed and sometimes I think it would be easier to listen to them.

Give up, see the world as glum, disappear into the world as another statistic. But then they would win and I am simply too prideful for that.

My brain is broken, not me.

Everything I do, I have my own self-doubting me. "You are evil. You are evil. You are evil." it repeats to me as I walk to class.

"You are bound to be like your father." It whispers to me as I study for my next exam.

"Everyone just pity's you." The voice states as I stand with my sorority.

The voices know when I'm hurting, knows what my triggers are and knows how to break me; but if I allow the voices to hurt me, what does that show to the people who look at me?

Yes, that voice is horrible and mean and cruel. I am not. I am kind, funny, empathetic and driven. I know I am worth more than pain. I am in the real world. It is only in my head. No one can see it, no one can hurt it, so why can I let it hurt me? I refuse to be part of something that breaks me anymore.

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To The Girl Who Had A Plan

A letter to the girl whose life is not going according to her plan.
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“I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” - William Ernest Henley

Since we were little girls we have been asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” We responded with astronauts, teachers, presidents, nurses, etc. Then we start growing up, and our plans change.

In middle school, our plans were molded based on our friends and whatever was cool at the time. Eventually, we went to high school and this question became serious, along with some others: “What are your plans for college?” “What are you going to major in?” “When do you think you’ll get married?” “Are you going to stay friends with your friends?” We are bombarded with these questions we are supposed to have answers to, so we start making plans.

Plans, like going to college with our best friends and getting a degree we’ve been dreaming about. Plans, to get married as soon as we can. We make plans for how to lose weight and get healthy. We make plans for our weddings and children.

SEE ALSO: 19 Pieces Of Advice From A Soon-To-Be 20-Year-Old

We fill our Pinterest boards with these dreams and hopes that we have, which are really great things to do, but what happens when you don’t get into that college? What happens when your best friend chooses to go somewhere else? Or, what if you don’t get the scholarship you need or the awards you thought you deserved. Maybe, the guy you thought you would marry breaks your heart. You might gain a few pounds instead of losing them. Your parents get divorced. Someone you love gets cancer. You don’t get the grades you need. You don’t make that collegiate sports team. The sorority you’re a legacy to, drops you. You didn’t get the job or internship you applied for. What happens to you when this plan doesn’t go your way?

I’ve been there.

The answer for that is “I have this hope that is an anchor for my soul.” Soon we all realize we are not the captain of our fate. We don’t have everything under control nor will we ever have control of every situation in our lives. But, there is someone who is working all things together for the good of those who love him, who has a plan and a purpose for the lives of his children. His name is Jesus. When life takes a turn you aren’t expecting, those are the times you have to cling to Him the tightest, trusting that His plan is what is best. That is easier said than done, but keep pursuing Him. I have found in my life that His plans were always better than mine, and slowly He’s revealing that to me.

The end of your plan isn’t the end of your life. There is more out there. You may not be the captain of your fate, but you can be the master of your soul. You can choose to be happy despite your circumstances. You can change directions at any point and go a different way. You can take the bad and make something beautiful out of it, if you allow God to work in your heart.

SEE ALSO: To The Girl Patiently Waiting With An Impatient Heart

So, make the best of that school you did get in to. Own it. Make new friends- you may find they are better than the old ones. Apply for more scholarships, or get a job. Move on from the guy that broke your heart; he does not deserve you. God has a guy lined up for you who will love you completely. Spend all the time you can with the loved one with cancer. Pray, pray hard for healing. Study more. Apply for more jobs, or try to spend your summer serving others instead. Join a different club or get involved in other organizations on campus. Find your delight first in God and then pursue other activities that make you happy; He will give you the desires of your heart.

My friend, it is going to be OK.

Cover Image Credit: Megan Beavers Photography

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