Healed People Heal People
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Healed People Heal People

My recovery story, and my message to fellow ED-warriors

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Healed People Heal People
Personal

I'm a pretty typical anorexia case - ballet dancer, straight-A student, perfectionist. Yet I never believed I was truly sick while in the depths of my disorder. With people who hardly even knew me telling me they were worried, how did I remain unconvinced that there was a problem?

Your ED will never let you believe there is a problem. It will tell you YOU are the problem and everyone else is wrong, that the disorder is the only solution. No matter how negatively it affects you, it's never "sick enough" for your ED.

Once, I was determined to become the "best" anorexic, but what I didn't realize is that these words contradict each other. I could not be my best self when I was sick, isolated, perpetually anxious or depressed. I was looking to win a prize that was actually a death sentence.

The moment you begin to see your ED for what it truly is is the moment you can begin to heal.

I went through almost five years of private outpatient treatment before ending up at a higher level treatment facility. Seeing a private doctor, a dietitian, a therapist, an endocrinologist, and other specialists cut into my school time and got me accustomed to the role of sick. I relished in missing school and being pulled out of dance – even though I didn’t want to be missing things, I liked the way I was labeled as “anorexic.” I took pride in markers of an illness that I wore like a crown.

In my freshman year of college, on my own for the first time, I was face-to-face with my eating disorder in a way I hadn’t been before. Without constant eyes on me and without the accountability of family, my ED thoughts and behaviors ran rampant.

Behaviors were an easy way to cope with the change and the loss of control I felt in my new environment. I easily fell back into the identity of “anorexic” that had been there for me so many times before. By the time fall semester was ending, I was at a low point that I had never reached before.

With a new determination and a frustration with the life I had been living, I asked my mom to help me apply for a higher level of care. I didn’t want to continue losing things, to continue torturing myself, to continue being the sick one.

Center For Discovery, the treatment center I was admitted to, was a wake-up call for me. It was the first time that my eating disorder and treatment didn't make me feel special. I felt guilty, I felt angry. I had faced consequences as a result of my ED before, but they never felt real, I had always managed to worm my way out of them, always the "compliant client," doing the bare minimum, scraping by, passing on a smile and lying through my teeth.

I don't trust anyone who is 100% ready for treatment right away. Motivation is great when it's genuine but recovery is a long road. I don't know a single person who truly was glad to start their journey in that moment.

I've played the game of going through the motions, bargaining for one more week to gain the weight or follow the meal plan. I know all the tricks in the book and I know what it's like to fool doctors and parents into believing you really want it this time, you swear you won't relapse, you won't lie, you won't lose the weight again.

I also know that the game spirals quickly. I know that I was really only playing myself by always turning back to the disorder.

Can you believe there was a time I prayed to go to res? I thought it would prove that I was "truly sick." Forget my diagnosis, my eating disorder didn't care, it always wanted more. Twice, residential was suggested. Twice, I convinced my parents that it was unnecessary and they determined that it would even be detrimental to my health. I didn't want to miss school and my friends. I had already been pulled from dance. In truth, as much as my disorder wanted validation from residential, I was scared to see people like me. I relished being the only and, therefore, the best, anorexic I knew.

In my first few weeks at the program, I was asked whether I honestly thought I needed to go to a higher level of care and if I had the motivation to remain in the Partial Hospitalization Program or if I wanted to start in residential.

I gave the same answer then that I gave to my ED every time I felt like I "had" to go to prove myself: "I don't know if I can do this, but I need to try. I need to push past what my ED wants, I need to stay out of a cycle of treatment and comparison, I need to be in an environment where I am forced to be somewhat accountable for myself."

When I was contracted for residential a month into my time at the program, my disorder was ecstatic. I felt urges to keep defying my recovery and treatment team just so I could go and maybe finally get the validation I was desperate for. It took everything in me, every ounce of determination, to stop my behaviors in their tracks, ignore the thoughts and urges, and finally start listening to what my team had been telling me. I managed, with lots of support and a few slip-ups, to achieve my goal and remain in PHP.

If you were in a residential center, I do not want to invalidate your experience. It truly has saved and helped many of my friends, and it is undoubtedly the right option for some people. The fact of the matter is that not every person’s treatment path is the same.

You do what works for you, what is manageable in your circumstance, what will allow you to commit to treatment at a pace YOU are ready for and that will serve YOU best. I also want to point out that residential is a) not the only option b) not always an option due to uncontrollable circumstances and c) not an indicator of severity.

The only reason I bring up the example of residential versus PHP is to highlight how I was able to begin separating what my wise mind wanted from what my disordered mind wanted. It is critical that throughout recovery you continue to push the boundaries your disorder set for you. It will be hard. You will cry, scream, mess up, and want to go back.

That's OK.

Recovery is hard. It has to be hard because it is letting go of a thing you love. If this journey is easy for you, ask yourself: "Am I really letting my ED go? Am I learning to exist without it? Am i able to get my self-worth and identity from within?" or "Am I just going through the motions for the sake of someone else? To get out with intentions to relapse? Without trying to heal?"

Recovery is hard work because the best things in life don't come easy. True progress is made in those moments when you decide to choose temporary discomfort, fear, or regret, over a lifetime of suffering. It's possible. You are able, this very second, to look your ED in the eyes and say "You do not care about me. You are not my friend. I do not know how to live without you yet, but I am choosing to try."

During the first few years especially of living in recovery, it is crucial that you are always conscious of your decisions and behaviors, and the intentions behind them. Even with intentions distinct from ED, be cautious that your behavior cannot be used by ED to tempt you or manipulated into disordered thoughts and behaviors. An innocent decision/action can quickly turn into a tool for your ED to use. Living in recovery is like standing on the edge of a slippery slope.

If you allow ED to put even one finger on you, you could quickly slip back down that slope, out of control and spiral until you crash. OF course, you can always climb back to the top, but the uphill battle of recovery takes more strength, time, and determination than the fall.

As you reach the top, it is easy to forget how hard the climb was and to only focus on the thrill and excitement of going back downhill. Every time you slip and re-climb the mountain though, it is harder and you are more tired. You were not destined to waste your life this way, working and suffering for a fleeting rush of thrill and adrenaline, the crash always following swiftly.

Walk away from that edge, plant your feet firmly on the stable ground, and throw away the skis.

You are so much more than the sorry identity of sick. You are a complete person. You have talents and passions and strength. You are uniquely made. Make one more step away from ED today. Do not continue to live in the shadow of your disorder. Life is so much more beautiful here in the light.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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