You're Not 'Too Nice,' He Just Isn't Right For You

You're Not 'Too Nice,' He Just Isn't Right For You

Being kind and loving someone takes courage and no one should ridicule you for doing so.

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Have you ever dated someone who treats you right and then in the end tears you apart in some insensitive way? You know, the guys who tell you "you're crazy" or "you care too much"? Everyone goes through this at some point, and, even though they really suck, you have to remember that it's not you.

Let me describe this by telling a story. One time I dated a guy who my therapist diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder after he broke up with me. It may not have been a very long relationship, but he talked marriage with me, he would always say that I make him happy, he called me "perfect" every waking moment (which he said he had never called anyone before), and most of all, he showed me I mattered for what little time we spent together. Looking back, it wasn't all that perfect and there were so many red flags I should have taken into account. My biggest red flag that I brought up a lot was that I was always compared to his exes. He couldn't go a single conversation with me without bringing up at least one of their names and no that is not an exaggeration and I don't think he truly realizes how often he does this. At one point, he got a text from his most recent ex before me talking about our relationship, and, looking back, even she brought up his exes prominently in that text, showing me that I was not the first girl who has gone through this phenomenon. To truly move on in your life, you can't look forward and look back at the same time because then you're not giving the person in your life now the time and energy they deserve. The emotional baggage that he still holds onto was placed on me and my brain was like an emotional battleground for so long.

So, I did what any loving person would do, I cared. I asked a trusted friend to say nice things about me while he was struggling, so he would know how different, loving and caring I really am compared to those who have hurt him before. Well, he took that the wrong way and turned on me, dumping me over text message, criticizing me for the miscommunication, and, worst of all, ridiculing my true kindness and love for people to be happy. I remember getting the break-up text in the cold dorm of my sorority and texting my pledge class group chat asking for love from them in my time of need. I showed them the text he sent (and yes, they were there through every decision I made leading up to this. Some of my closest sisters had seen what I asked my friend to say out of kindness and agreed with me, seeing nothing wrong), and they all came running to my rescue and have been my shining light since.

I'm not writing this to expose someone's wrongdoings. I wholeheartedly forgive this guy now and wish him the best as well as hope for him to seek help for his Borderline Personality Disorder one day, because he will never be truly healthy or happy until he does seek out help. I wanted to write this because after that rude text he sent me with no apology for his own wrongdoings (let alone an apology I deserve for that text and for just being nice in general), I have learned more about myself through someone's misconception of my own kindness, and, after talking to so many others out there, I know there are other girls who have gone through something similar and may need to know they're not alone. I've moved on, but that doesn't mean someone else in the world might not be struggling as we speak.

I remember him telling me in that text that I don't know what makes him happy because only he can know that, which is true, but I still tried out of kindness because at one point in time he said I did make him happy. I know and have always known that you can't make someone feel a certain emotion or feeling, but all I wanted to do was show kindness, and, through that heartbreak, I learned so much about myself and life. I wanted to tell the world that it's okay to love someone, it's okay to love hard and care, and it's okay to be authentically you, no matter what anyone has to say about it. Each heartbreak is just a stepping stone getting you closer and closer to the one person who will love every inch of you and will never misconceive your true love and kindness for misery. We all make mistakes, it's innately human, but what you learn from those mistakes and heartbreaks is what helps you grow like no other. One day, the naysayers will see what they missed out on because you are one in a million. Stay kind, stay loving, and forgive those who have wronged you so you can grow.

And to that boy, I forgive you for everything. It's not you, it's a symptom of something you have yet to be treated for and I have always been understanding and loving because of that. I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying that you'll learn to love yourself, forgive yourself for the past so you can move on, and that you'll never forget that you were made for more in this world.

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A Letter To The Love Of My Life

I never thought that I would find a love like ours.

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There is so much beauty in you. Inside and out. I know I'm not supposed to call a man beautiful, but you are much so. I often try and think of another word to describe you, but I have yet to find one.

You are breathtaking. Your eyes are an ocean: sometimes a bright, stunning teal and other times a deep sea hue. The freckles on your back are stars in the night sky. Your smile stops my heart from beating as it sinks to my stomach. You laugh and there it is again, pounding deep in my chest.

You are unbelievable. I had never heard of a man like you. I didn't know that they existed. Now that I have you, I mean it when I say that I have never been so happy. I care so much for you.

You are my sunny days and my umbrella in the rainy ones. You are my light and my guide through the dark. You make every day worth living.

When we started speaking, I had plans that weren't meant for two. You saw the hurt that I had deep within me and you cared like no one ever has. You loved me when I thought love was nothing but a lie.

You showed me what love is. As my friend, you took care of me when I had lost all faith in myself. You were there when my 'best friends' weren't. You were my best friend. You saw every flaw in me and you loved me through it.

You didn't run away. You didn't criticize. You were the reason I began to believe in love again.

We have had our ups and downs. You were there at two in the afternoon and at three in the morning. You were there when I was distant.

You told me what I needed to hear and sometimes slapped me with the truth. You were there through other failed relationships. You knew before that those boys weren't the one for me because... well... you are.

I fell in love with you.

But you didn't know and I was too scared to tell you. I remember thinking of all of the times you used to come over just to watch TV with me and I was praying that you would randomly find the courage to kiss me. There are moments engraved in my mind where I thought, "I want this for the rest of our lives," but you had no clue. I would fall asleep on your chest and dream of you and me.

Right now, you're next to me sleeping soundly. My plans have changed. They still aren't intended for two -- I'm thinking maybe four or five? We can decide how many later. I wake up next to you and I go to sleep in your arms. You are a dream come true. I love you. Thank you.

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