Recently, I acted as a representative for a program at my university. All I needed to do was share my own experiences and answer any questions for potential students. It was only an hour long and there were only 2 potential students. It should’ve been basic, simple.
As soon as it ended, all I could think about was if and how I messed up.
My mind jumped from one possible screw up to another. Did I not dress well enough? Were my responses stupid and basic? Did I not make enough eye contact, or maybe too much? Did I fidget too much? Or maybe I sat in the wrong seat?
Maybe these concerns sound silly and irrelevant. I know if a friend came to me with the same questions, I would just tell them how ridiculous it was for them to be concerned with all of that and that I was sure that they did fine. Yet, I also know if someone said the same thing to me, it wouldn’t put me at ease one bit.
The problem is that I have no self-confidence. It’s the reason why after any little thing I do, whether it be acting as a representative to new students, playing a sport, participating in class discussions or any other slew of activities, I walk away from it all wondering how badly I must have screwed it all up. I failed at being a good representative; I’m the reason our team lost or that we didn’t win as easily as we could have; I’m too stupid to even bother offering up any comment in a classroom discussion.
In all of those situations, I always just want to start apologizing at every moment, being sure that I must have done something wrong. It’s funny how the only confidence in myself that I do have is confidence in my ability to mess everything up.
I think my friends know that I don’t have much self-confidence. There have been plenty of times where they try to reassure me that I’m great, that I did well, that I’m talented, etc. Yet, it doesn't matter what anybody says or who even says it. It could be the greatest compliment in the world from a person whom I have no possible reason to doubt, but I’ll convince myself that they are saying that just to be nice. They couldn’t possibly mean any of those good words, or they don’t know me well enough to realize that I’m just a screwup.
Now I don't share any of this to suddenly get all the pity in the world from those around me. I don’t want anybody treating me differently because of this. I only say any of this because I realize that I put up a front, trying to be as happy as possible all the while this goes on in my mind. I know without a doubt that there are plenty of others who have these same experiences, who have the same doubts and nagging questions after any little thing they do.
I guess I just hope this reminds them that they aren’t the only ones who have no self-confidence. They are certainly not alone with those same feelings and thoughts. Maybe others will consider the possibility that anybody they know might not have any self-confidence. The doubts and thoughts are not rational, but they’re real for the people who experience it. It takes more than just saying something to them for them to feel better about themselves.
Maybe this can help somebody, or maybe I just made things more complicated. I can only hope for the former.