I Have Anxiety But It Does Not Have Me

I Have Anxiety But It Does Not Have Me

Through having anxiety I learned to love what a contradiction I can be to myself and who I thought I was.
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For most, admitting the fact that you have anxiety is the hardest part of having anxiety. For me, it wasn’t until I realized that my anxiety was affecting my everyday relationships that I decided that pursuing medical help was the route I wanted to take. It was the hardest step, but ultimately, I had to choose whether I wanted to live my life constantly unsure and uneasy, or if I wanted to be able to feel whole again.

I still struggle every single day. I didn’t just go to the doctor one day and get prescribed a medication that suddenly made everything all better. To be honest, I still wake up every day dreading having to take two small pills. For the longest time, it was hard to admit that my anxiety wasn’t something I could just avoid or turn off on my own.

I had to question what would be harder to swallow: a pill or my pride?

The truth is that I spent almost my entire day in my head overanalyzing things. It could be something as simple as what someone said to me earlier to why someone did or didn't sit next to me in class.

Anxiety turned me into a person that even I had trouble recognizing, which made me feel sorry for those around me because I couldn’t imagine what it is they could possibly be thinking about me. Truth is, I’m still hard to recognize sometimes. I see that person on my weakest days, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not strong.

I couldn't understand how I could be a huge people person and also have so much anxiety built up all the time. Despite the fact that I'm sometimes a contradiction of myself, I've learned that it's just who I am.

Anxiety follows me every day, but I’m prepared to manage it when it lurks upon me. Whether it be a big exam or an interview, I know better now what steps I can take that will avoid me coming into contact with my anxiety. Anxiety is something that I have, but not who I am.

I am much more than my anxiety.

Although there are times where my anxiety still finds its’ way into my life, that doesn’t mean that I’ve lost the battle. Winning the battle doesn’t mean you’ve rid your anxiety completely, it means that you’re strong enough to accept that this is what you have, but not who you are.

Living with anxiety was a concept that alone could’ve sent me into a full-on anxiety attack, but now, I live comfortably knowing that I’m ready for whatever life, or my anxiety, throws at me.

Cover Image Credit: flickr

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I'm The Person Who Always Says 'Yes' And I'm Tired Of It

I'm sorry for being blunt, but being a people pleaser is a tiring job.

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Being a people pleaser runs in my family. My mom and I talk about this weakness of ours all the time, especially when we are both worn out from saying "yes" too much.

When it comes to academics, I always go above and beyond to ensure I did everything correctly in order to please the professor or teacher. If there's ever an instance where I feel as if I can't meet or complete a task, my anxiety takes over and out comes a handy-dandy panic attack. Typically, this ends with tears rolling down my cheeks, a headache, and someone telling me to worry about myself and to not stress if it's hurting me too much (if they see me panicking, that is).

Me going to check off "handy-dandy panic attack" in my handy-dandy notebook after a long day.

As a high schooler, the game of saying "yes" was easy and somewhat manageable. In college, however, that game has changed, and it has changed drastically. There was something about non-stop work that was added in… not a fan.

I don't know why saying "yes" has always been instilled in me, but I cannot think of a time when I was not constantly saying "yes" to others. The moments you will always catch me saying "yes" are moments when it comes to helping someone. Sometimes I interject myself because I feel guilty if I don't offer the help.

Of course, there are instances when I truly mean the offer I give, but then there are other moments when I highly regret asking. There have been plenty of times where I have gotten myself into too many outings at once and my extroverted-introverted self becomes beyond angry with myself.

If I say "no" to someone, there's this sense of guilt that hangs over my head for at least a week and it doesn't go away.

While I enjoy making others happy in (almost) any way possible, I believe it is time for me to start saying "no." This does not mean I will be saying "no" to every single thing someone asks me to do, but rather, I'll take a second to think about how much time and energy will have to go into the whole situation before diving in headfirst.

My new slogan will be "Just say no… sometimes."

Instead of stressing over every detail of an assignment for class, I'll stress over the major details rather than the microscopic ones. Before I interject myself into a situation, I will take a moment and think about whether my help is even necessary or wanted. This will be no easy task, especially for this anxiety-ridden people pleaser, but I am going to do the best I can. The over-achiever in me needs to sit down, take a chill pill, and over-achieve in the category of saying "no."

For those who also say "yes" way too much: breathe. The world will be okay without our help, even if it feels like it won't.

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