So, I guess plagiarizing yourself is a thing. So, I am going to combat that by saying I give myself permission to use my own words from the past to describe a feeling that I find myself working through now. Also, with it being Black History Month I thought it would be a good idea to bring up something that pertains to it. Enjoy!
The title is kind of staring at me making me question whether I am ready to tackle this topic. I mean who wants to talk about hating a pretty big part of who they are? Who wants to admit they actually hated something that made them unique; especially in this climate where being confident in your skin is a must. Who wants to dig up all of those feelings that they have "gotten rid of"? Well, I suppose I need to admit it. I hated being black.
How does a kid come to the decision that being black is something to be ashamed of? Should we blame the environment they grew up in, the people they were surrounded by, or their own thoughts? It is honestly a mixture of all of that. When you grow up in an area that is predominately white you tend to get a mixed up view on yourself. You hear comments about how your speech is all wrong. That your hair makes you look like a boy or lesbian. And that you're pretty for a black girl (whatever that is supposed to mean).
When you are hearing things like that you start to wonder how much better... no easier if you were just white. It would be so much easier just to blend in with all those around you and not have to deal with all the nonsense of being black. Dealing with the assumptions of things that don't fit you at all. Ignoring the stares that you get during Martin Luther King or when the "n" word is used in another classic. Wouldn't it just be easier to wish and pray that you would wake up and your melanin was actually not as dark as it actually is.
It may be easier, but is it actually better. After whining and complaining about the struggles of being black and having black girl hair one of my white friends wished for the very same hair I was complaining about. Never have I laughed so hard. My hair. A pretty annoying struggle of being black? It is so easy to want what others have. To look at what they have and decide it is so much easier/better. And you know what it may be, but what you have has made you who you are.
Let me just focus on my hair. Having it is a pain and a half. I have learned patience and having to just deal with it. I have also a lot more freedoms with it. The biggest thing I have learned is confidence. Natural hair is only becoming the "thing" to have. However, it is what I have got. I have learned to take what people say either to heart or as plain stupidity. When your mom says you look cute, well dang it you look real cute. When that guy says you look like a lesbian or that you hair looks like popcorn, well he is dumb and doesn't know anything
So, yeah I used to be ashamed of being black. However, I don't think it was that I was ashamed. No, I think it was more like I was uncomfortable with who I was. I was uncomfortable with the awesomeness I was blessed with. So, you know what? Thanks mom for reminding me how amazing I am black and all. Thanks black celebrities (Beyonce, India Arie, Serena Williams, and etc) for being proud of being black. Thanks for friends for loving all of me. And thanks life for teaching me to push to love myself. That I think is the best way to love yourself. Battling for it.
