Hasan Minhaj's Best Lines from Correspondents' Dinner

Hasan Minhaj's Best Lines from Correspondents' Dinner

"Frederick Douglass isn't here and that's because he's dead - someone please tell the President."
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Taylor
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Hasan Minhaj, Senior Correspondent for The Daily Show on Comedy Central, gave an incredible speech Saturday night at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Here are some of the best one-liners from his speech. Check out the full speech here.

He opened his speech with:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series finale of the White House Correspondents' Dinner."

On being the host:

"No one wanted to do this so of course it lands in the hands of an immigrant."

On Donald Trump not attending:

"We got to address the elephant that's not in the room...the leader of our country is not here - and that's because he lives in Moscow, that's a very long flight."

On C-SPAN:

"For the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump, Jr. shot it and cut off its tail."

On Donald Trump golfing:

"Do you want to know what he's not doing when he's golfing...being President."

On Donald Trump not drinking:

"That means every statement, every interview, every tweet - completely sober."

"Who is tweeting at 3 a.m. sober...Donald Trump because its 10 a.m. in Russia - those are business hours."

On being perfect:

"In the age of Trump, I know that you guys have to be more perfect now more than ever because you are how the President gets his news."

On being asked not to talk about the President in his absence:

"Do I come up here and just try to fit in and not ruffle any feathers, or do I say what I really feel?"

On the First Amendment:

"The man who tweets everything that enters his head, refuses to acknowledge the amendment that allows him to do it."

"I'm proud that all of us are here tonight to defend that right even if the man in the White House never would."

On the stress of White House news:

"The news coming out of the White House is so stressful, I've been watching House of Cards just to relax."

On Education Secretary Betsy DeVos:

"Every morning Betsy DeVos is up at 5 a.m. putting her children on their flight to school, so don't you tell me she's out of touch."

On Energy Secretary Rick Perry:

"Has anyone seen Rick Perry since he became Energy Secretary...I have a feeling he's sitting in a room full of plutonium waiting to become Spider-Man."

On Frederick Douglass:

"Frederick Douglass isn't here and that's because he's dead - someone please tell the President."

On election night coverage:

"Unlike Anderson Cooper's bone structure, you guys have been far from perfect."

On MSNBC:

"I had a lot more MSNBC jokes but I don't want to ramble on or I might get a show on MSNBC."

On CNN:

"I'm not going to call you fake news, but not everything is breaking news."

"Every time I watch CNN it feels like you're assigning me homework: 'is Trump a Russian spy...tell us, tweet at AC360' - no you tell me, I'm watching the news."

Cover Image Credit: http://static.politico.com/dims4/default/38b1224/2147483647/resize/1160x%3E/quality/90/?url=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.politico.com%2F36%2F86%2Fc4c1c26245ae88d2add7eb972151%2F20170411-hasan-minhaj-ap.jpg

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.
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Hey,

So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?

Sincerely,

Me

Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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Poetry On The Odyssey: It's a Girl

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