Once again, I decided to examine a scenario from the renowned program "What Would You Do?" On ABC, hosted by John Quiñones. This scenario, which aired a few years ago, featured a man physically and emotionally abusing his girlfriend in a restaurant. Like many of the scenarios on the show, the reactions of the people here have always gotten to me. Even now, I'm not sure if I feel surprised or upset or even hopeful about what this says about the different views of our society. Some courageous people confronted the boyfriend and tried to get the girl away from him while some approached the girl when she was by herself and tried to get her to leave before the boyfriend returned. Needless to say, the most disturbing reactions were those of the people who either ignored them and those of the people who told them to “take it somewhere else” and that this was a “public place” and that they “shouldn't make a scene”. And as they showed in the experiment, the reactions did change when it came to the race of the woman and when it came to the types of clothes she was wearing. But in watching it, I realized that this shows two very different aspects of society in terms of our societal norms in the west.
I'll start with those who chose not to get involved and or told the couple to not make a scene. From a young age, our society has constantly drummed into us that we should mind our own business, and that we don't interfere at all in other people's affairs. I remember in third grade I went up to a teacher and told a teacher that my partner in our project wasn't doing what the teacher told her to do and my teacher said, “Worry about you, not her.” Any other time my teachers would say, “Is your name blank? No? Worry about Sheza.” We are told to focus on ourselves and not get involved when it comes to other people and their issues. There is a social expectation that private matters be kept private and not put on view for public display. One of the reasons for that is public perception; we don't want people to judge us or know about our personal matters. Making a scene is “embarrassing” for those people, which is why many people look away and pretend not to notice.
And then for those who do notice, they try to put a stop to the situation, not by resolving it but by telling them to take it somewhere else. I don't think that this concept is necessarily wrong because if everyone got involved in every single conflict then there would be a lot of errors, unnecessary added conflicts, etc., but I do feel that there has to be a balance: There has to be a point where people stand up and put an end to the conflict rather than ignore it, especially when it comes to situations like these. We cannot ignore blatant displays of injustice.
For many people, these kinds of situations with strangers is not as common, which is why getting involved is not necessarily the first thought to come to one's mind. I know that personally I would definitely take action but I may take longer to do so mainly because I would want to make sure I fully understood the situation before putting myself out there, something that often takes me a long time to do. But more importantly, this is the type of response that was ingrained in me from a young age, since I grew up in a South Asian community where we were always taught to help one another and to take care of each other. The sense of community was very strong and the fact that we were so involved in each other's lives may have seemed strange to outsiders but this was a part of our cultural norms.
Needless to say, this was very different from the concepts my teachers tried to instill in me when I was in school. They told me to just focus on myself and let my friends worry about themselves, that they were not my responsibility. There were certainly kids in my community who most likely resented this cultural norm of being involved and close-knit, calling it nosy and intrusive. And some people definitely were; there was a small minority of people who used the excuse of being helpful and involved to find our weaknesses and gossip about them. But honestly, I still loved the familiarity and involved nature of my South Asian community because I would rather someone be nosy and intrusive than be indifferent when I really need them to help me. It is all about intent. If you have good intentions, I don't think interference is as negative a thing as people make it out to be.
And of course, the reactions were different when it came to what the woman was wearing (when the African-American man was berating his girlfriend for her choice in dress) and even her race. It is the age-old stigma of how a woman dresses affecting how people perceive her and whether or not they would come to her aid. Our society tends to be less likely to help African-Americans than Caucasians in situations like these, something which we should really be ashamed of. I personally don’t believe in dressing in a way that exposes myself but that does not mean I have the right to dictate that to other women. It is entirely her choice what she chooses to wear, and in no way does that make her any less deserving of aid or sympathy when it comes to the serious problem of domestic violence. It is because of bystanders and people who choose to blame the victim that our society is so slow in its progress against domestic violence.
With regards to those who did choose to get involved, whether it was directly with the boyfriend or with the girlfriend when the boyfriend left, it shows that aspect of our society which creates solidarity and encourages interpersonal connections. Those people bypassed that “mind your own business” concept and went straight for compassion for the victim and standing up to the abuser. It took a lot of courage, something that not everyone may have. But it certainly became easier when they had multiple people supporting them. It created solidarity and gave them a target to focus on the abuser. Those people were able to empathize with the victim enough to actually get up and put themselves out there.
All in all, this experiment left me with mixed feelings due to some people's actions and other people's inaction. The reasoning behind this goes back to our societal norms and expectations, some of which could perhaps use a review.