To the guy who broke my heart/my first love,

I didn’t find you until I was almost 20. Most people find their first loves when they’re in high school. That’s how it was for you, even if that love was unrequited. See, I thought I had found love at 16, but I quickly realized that I hadn’t when I met you. The things that I felt for that guy at 16 were no match for the things that I felt for you. If I had really loved him, I would have gone all the way with him, but I didn’t. I held on to it because I knew, deep down, that he didn’t deserve it. I knew deep down that I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me. At 16, I was just desperate for love. Fast forward to 4 years later, just when I had given up, you came into my life. And I gave you everything.

In the blink of an eye, it was over. You broke up with me. No, things hadn’t been easy those last couple of weeks. But you should’ve taken into consideration how fast our relationship moved. You asked me to move in with you extremely early into the relationship. And I did. We signed a lease together. I was that sure of you, of us. I was so in love with you. I was too in love with you. I was ignoring all the warning signs. I was jumping in, head first. I never do that. But you were jumping in head first, too. You never do that. We were so in love with each other. At least, I thought we were.

I believed every promise that you made. I believed you every time you told me you loved me. I gave you every part of me. But it wasn’t enough for you. You always said that I would be the one to leave you. I always said the opposite. Women are always right.

You did the thing that I was terrified you would; you woke up one day and decided you didn’t want me anymore. Despite saying that you wanted to work through our issues and you didn’t want to not have me, I became the only one trying. You became the one avoiding everything because you “didn’t know how you felt.”

You knew. You were just too much of a coward to say it. You gave me hope that you didn’t want to quit when things got tough. You made me believe that I was worth it to you. In the end, I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t have a voice. You decided how we were going to end. You decided how it would be if we had stayed together and tried to work through everything. Who gave you that right? You’re not fucking psychic. You had no idea what the outcome would have been if we had just TRIED. I guess that’s why it hurts so much. You were so sure. You never gave me a chance. You never gave us a chance.

And you’re not the only one to blame. I am, too. I wasn’t always the easiest to get along with. I know that dating me was tough sometimes. I know there were times that I should’ve talked to you when I didn’t. I know there were things I should have said or done differently. I know I wasn’t the girl you wanted. I wasn’t like the girl you were in love with in high school. I could never be her.

While I am equally to blame, I’m also the only one taking responsibility.

Did you know, those last couple of weeks, when you were asleep, I would get out of bed and go to the living room to cry? You were doing things that hurt me, but you didn’t even see it. Even when I tried to explain to you why I was upset, you never took responsibility. You never thought that you did anything wrong. But I cried while you were asleep. I was hurting. I shouldn’t have been hurting so much because of you.

After saying you wanted to work on things, after saying you didn’t want to not have me, after avoiding me as I was trying to fix things, after I was the only one trying...you ended things. You said I had changed. You said I was taking the relationship too seriously (LOL we were living together, but good try). You said we were in different places. You put it on me. You didn’t take any responsibility. You justified everything that you said or did. You didn’t want to feel like shit about yourself, so you made excuses.

The worst part is that I defended you. I blamed myself. I kept thinking about things I could have said or done differently. You made it feel like it was my fault. And maybe that wasn’t intentional. Maybe it was. I don’t know. However, I do know that I’m not to blame. You’re not to blame either. We were just two kids who got way in over their heads.

Just know that I don’t regret a single second.

You taught me more about myself in the short time that we were together than anyone ever has. You were the first guy that I really let in. You know me more than anyone does. No guy will know me the way that you do. You have a part of me that I can never get back.

I don’t want to fight for you anymore. I have no desire to get back together. You’ve proven that I didn’t mean that much to you. And that’s perfectly fine. You still mean so much to me though. You always will. You were my first love, and I will always have feelings for you. But I stopped loving you the second you showed me how much of a coward you are.

I hope that you can get over your commitment issues. You helped me get over mine, even if you did end up breaking my heart. I also hope that you don’t keep making the same mistakes.

I know you have a new girl, and, please, don’t treat her the way that you treated me. Treat her with the respect and consideration she deserves.

You were the best and worst thing that ever happened to me.

I am so much stronger because of you.

Thank you,

The girl you gave up on