Guide to Halloween for the Uninitiated College Student

By: Justice Seymour

Hey you. Yeah you. I see you there, trying to watch Life After Beth because you couldn’t find any horror themed romance movies on Netflix. You might even cheer when Jason or Freddy slices up the “Hoe Bags” and “Jock Straps” because they got more action than you have been lately. But, hey! That’s all well and good! (Lord knows that's what I do.) But let’s face it: It’s Halloween, this isn’t the time to feel sorry for how unfun you are, shoveling all that discount candy down your throat like some sort of cocaine fueled zombie child who hungers for nougat instead of brains. This is the time to go a little mad, a little nuz, a little coo coo bananas. (Or should I say BOO BOO bananas! (That joke sucked so much, it hurts.(GET IT!? Like a boo boo!))) Enough begging for laughs! Let’s all hallow your eves and get Halloweeny.

STEP ONE: FIND A NOT LAME COSTUME

Here’s the thing guys, girls, and goblins, Halloween costumes are actually pretty darn hard to do. You have to teeter between nerdy or scary, straightforward or ironic, conservatively sexy or a tad bit slutty (I’m looking at you, you slutty goblins!) The best costumes are the ones that make sense, are relevant, and NOT what everyone else is going to do. Think about this, Reader, on this day of our Ghoulish overlord (October 27th, 2016) there has been a Suicide Squad film, there is a presidential election going on (Batman v. Superman? Pfft! Trump v. Hillary!), and a bit of a touchy time in our nation’s history (Insert tasteless “White Cop v. (insert minority here) Person). What I’m saying is, DON’T be Harley Quinn, DON’T be the Joker, DON’T be Trump, DON’T be Hillary, Don’t be Trump’s wall, don’t be Hillary’s emails (Although the idea of someone going as a computer monitor with Gmail or something opened up and the little message that says “Nothing in your inbox” with the mouse hovering over the trash can would be a complicated YET WORTH IT reference to that. DON'T STEAL THAT.) What would be a good costume is something that you have to kind of explain but then the person asking would go:

PERSON: OHH

Not the kind of “Ohh” thats like “Ahh, I kind of get it now,” but the kind of “Ohh” thats like “OHH! How did I NOT get that!?” Btw, while it’s in my mind, PLEASE don’t be Ken Bone! I know he is a funny round about character to be but just don’t! (Although I would chuckle if you were like Ken Bone dressed poorly as Ben Franklin with a kite and a key (I think he talked about energy or something. And I know this is just electricity. But electricity makes energy right!? Either way, it tickles me pink.))

STEP TWO: FIND A PARTY

JUST YOU TRY and tell me that you can’t find a party on Halloween. Just you gosh darn try. I’m not the biggest party guy, but I know that if I wanted to get turnt on the week of Halloween, I wouldn’t have to look very far. Also, if you aren’t a party person (And can handle the heeble jeebles) head to one of the dozens of haunted houses around here! There are some on campus as well!

STEP TWO POINT FIVE: BE SAFE

You know that part of every paper I write (if you’re a freshmen then you prob read between 1 and a half (if you made it this far!) to none) where it starts really funny then sort of dips in funnyness and then tries to come back by the end, but sometimes doesn’t quite make it? NO? ME NEITHER! Anyways, no matter what you do this Halloween, be safe! I, Sir Justice Seymour III, do not condone underaged drinking (to the folks who are underaged) but if a liquid that may or may not be illegal for you to ingest JUST SO HAPPENS to be in your possession, try to make sure that it’s one YOU poured or one YOU brought with you or one that YOU opened yourself. Don’t accept drinks from people you don’t know (and be sure to let your parents check your candy for razor blades and baby fingers as well.) There is safety in numbers which takes me to:

STEP THREE: GET/MAKE/BRING FRIENDS!

Remember that awesome story where you sat alone in your room drinking? Me neither. Misery (Spookful cheer! As I like to call it) loves company (and so do you!). You don't need to be alone if you do crazy stuff and neither do your friends! Buddy system helps you folks not get into trouble, or, at the very least, helps either of you from feeling the trouble all by your lonesome.

BONUS STEP: SLIGHTLY RUDE (BUT KIND OF FUNNY) AMUSEMENT

I’m stealing this from How I Met Your Mother, and never tried it, but I figure it would work on a college campus. Wake up super early, like 3AM or so till halfway through the first class of the day (Halloween is on a Monday this year), and sit in the mall area and just see all the upstanding young men and women stumble back from where they once came in a messily put together (once nice) Halloween costume. It doesn’t matter where they were walking from, or what they were doing. The only thing that matters is that you will be sitting there and truly know that those folks were not who they are now as they were the night before.