To My Guardian Angel Grandparents

To My Guardian Angel Grandparents

I know you're looking down on me, but I wish you were right next to me.

To My Guardian Angel Grandparents,

I wish you could see me right now. Be here, on this earth, to interact with me. I wish you could have been waiting outside the auditorium after my musical, on the sidelines cheering during my soccer games, on the sidewalk waiting for me after graduation. I wish you could have been here, in the flesh, for all my biggest milestones.

I know you are watching down on me, sometimes I can even feel it. Whenever I'm scared and I become at ease, I know it is because of Papa Mike and Grandma Becky. I think about you guys more than you know. How different my life could be if I had you guys here with me. How much I wish I could have spent a few more years with you before you went to heaven.

See, the thing about losing your grandparents as a baby is that it seems normal not to have them in your life. But, as I get older I can't help but focus on the void I have. I love you guys deeply, but I wish I would have gotten to make some memories with you.

It sucks when someone asks about you because really, I can't tell them much. I can tell them how you passed on, or that Papa Mike loved to fish or how Grandma Becky was one of the most caring and sweetest women to walk this earth. I wish I could tell them about the memories we made, but we didn't have much time to make them.

I bet you are watching me. Looking down on me, seeing my big moments and even my small ones. What else can I say besides this: I really hope you are looking over me. I feel like I have two very special angels rooting for me in the sky. You guys are up there, and sometimes I feel like you guys are the reason I've accomplished so much. You are the reason I had the courage and trust to continue on in the hard moments. You guys were the little voice in the back of my head saying, "Go for it, baby girl."

You left me so soon, and that makes me very sad. But, without that sadness, I never would have gotten to live with Auntie. She became my big sister who I would never have had otherwise. You gave me the best dad in the world. He's my superhero, and you guys made one hell of a son. Thank you for putting amazing people in this world to help make me into the person I am today.

I look for you sometimes in the sky. I see the pretty colors and know it's going to be okay. Whenever I hear "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day, I can't help but think of you guys. I hope that big sky up there is treating you well. I hope you know I'm always thinking of you. And, I hope you know, I love you very, very much.

Love,

Your First Grandbaby

Cover Image Credit: The Boivin's

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I Drifted But Now I'm Reaching Out

I'm not going to isolate myself anymore.

I’ve noticed that since I started college, I dropped a lot of habits. Some were habits that I really needed to get rid of, such as picking at my nails and snacking way too much. Other habits, though, I really shouldn’t have dropped. Maybe I just got too busy or lazy, or maybe it was just something for the high school me. Yeah, I’ve changed a lot in college but I’m going to try and get back into the good habits I had.

College gave me a lot of time. Suddenly I had all this free time and I realized that it was entirely up to me what I wanted to do with it. The freedom is really great, I won’t deny that, but what I noticed was that I found myself alone a lot.

Maybe it was my intention that some days I just wanted some alone time, but more often than not I found myself realizing that I hadn’t seen or talked to friends in a while. I realized I wasn’t hanging out with people anymore. I was alone.

Now, I know the importance of myself reaching out. Before I always worried that there was a reason I wasn’t seeing or talking to people as often, I mean, there was school so maybe everyone was just busy.

But I feared that I was missing out on so much was because I was unwanted in those moments. After gaining confidence, I've decided won’t isolate myself anymore. I’m an outgoing person, but I won’t be selectively outgoing anymore.

In high school, I could barely go two classrooms down without seeing someone and stopping to talk to them, and I want college to be the same way. It’s really impossible to know everyone at your college but reaching out isn’t that hard for me to do, I’ve just been lazy. I haven’t put in as much effort as I should be putting in and I know that if I want to keep some of the amazing friendships that I currently have, I need to not be distant.

It’s easy to drift away when emotions and events start piling up. Sometimes, the only thing I want to do is just lay in bed and not think about my to-do lists and schedules and problems that I have.

Once I start doing that though, I get sucked in and it becomes so hard to get the energy to get up and move. I don’t want that to be the case anymore. I don’t want to hide away with the “what ifs” and speculation as to why I didn’t go or get invited. From now on, I’m just going to go, and then see what happens.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To My Best Friends, Thank You

I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.

I have gone through many friends in the past few years, some that lasted a while some that only lasted a few months, but you know exactly when you found your perfect person, soulmate, best friend, the one that will never get away. It’s the friends that stick with you through the toughest times and stay.

The ones you call at 3:00 a.m. because you got into a fight with your boyfriend and can’t sleep and they stay on the phone until your ready to sleep. The ones that you can count on to pick you up because you need a ride no matter where you are.

Dear Best Friends,

I just wanted to thank you for being you and for letting me be me. Thank you for letting me feel so much like myself when I’m with you. Thank you for sharing in my happiest moments, and for listening to my saddest stories and giving compassion and empathy from wherever you are. Thank you for being the only person I ever want to confide in. Thank you for being the most beautiful person, inside and out.

Thank you for making the world a better place, just by being in it. Thank you for defining selfless, always putting others before yourself, you are going to change the world just as much as you have changed mine. Thank you for all the memories we made at Disney this year on our senior trip. Thank you for practically being my second Mom.

Thank you for setting the bar so high and making it impossible to find another friend as good as you. Thank you for making these past years we have been friends feel like forever and for giving me enough memories to last a lifetime, but not ending there.

Thank you for making me hurt when I miss you, but for taking the hurt away when I see you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for the absolute privilege of being able to call you my best friend, thank you for being my person. Thank you for giving me these reasons, and a million more, to be thankful for.

I sometimes find myself looking back on my life and realizing how huge of a part you have played in keeping me steady when the rest of my world has been falling apart. How you have known what to say and do in the moments when I have felt all control slipping through my fingers.

Even if it’s just dropping everything and taking me for coffee, shopping and listening to me try to untangle the mess I call my life. Thank you for those days when the rest of the world is against me, for making me feel less alone. For believing every silly dream which enters my head and being excited for me about things which no one else understands. Thank you for always validating my emotions, for taking my side, for telling me when I’m wrong, for being honest.

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