I've known that I'm Gay for as long as I can remember, but it wasn't until high school that it actually clicked in my head. As a child I loved playing dress up, and dancing, and singing; you know, the stereotypical “gay stuff.” I remember going through my mom’s closet and picking out a blue sundress, heels, and a pair of her clip-on earrings. I would pretend I was wearing a wedding dress and that I was marrying a Disney Prince, or some other imaginary boy (I blame society for my thinking that only a boy and a girl could be together).
I had Madeline Dolls and eventually graduated to Barbies. I know that there’s a stigma associated with Barbies now, but I loved those damn things! I would sleep with them, bathe with them, my parents even used them as an incentive for me when I was potty training. If I’m not mistaken, my favorites were my Dorothy and Glinda Barbies, because of course The Wizard of Oz was one of my favorite movies. Few people outside of my family know that I ever had Barbies because I knew I’d get made fun of for liking them.
I was never a “rough and tumble” boy so I had a hard time making male friends, and I still do! I did, however, play in Little League, 1) because I actually like baseball, and 2) because I really did want to fit in with boys my age. Little League was fun, but I wasn't very good at it, and I quit after having to play as the catcher in 100-degree weather and gear that was too small; I took solace in my Dance and Gymnastics classes. I was able to do something athletic and have fun, but neither were considered a “boy thing” by people on the outside. It didn't help that I watched a boy in my elementary school class get bullied for doing Ballet. I used to love taking dance classes and gymnastics, but back in first grade if the boys found out, they'd start calling you a “girl,” the most offensive thing for a 6-year-old boy the be called. (Now I call myself a b*tch almost daily because I am one.) I loved those Dance and Gymnastics classes, and if I remember correctly I was pretty good at both. Unfortunately, the fear of being “found out” by my schoolmates outweighed my love for the classes. I ended up quitting them around age 7. Having no physical activities in my life meant I wasn't being active, so I started gaining weight. My metabolism was crappy as it was, so not doing dance or gymnastics screwed me. Ever since then I’ve struggled with my weight, I craved sweets and junk food, but with no way of burning those calories off, they all turned to fat. I eventually got diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder, but that’s a story for another time.
In third grade, I changed schools so I could get help with my dyslexia (yet another story for another time). Being the imaginative, flamboyant, and obviously gay kid that I was, I was an instant target for bullies. Kids made fun of me for not being good at sports, for being overweight, for even being polite; you name it, bullies would find ways to make me feel bad about who I was. For a while, I thought that maybe I should've been born a girl. For me, unlike transgender men and women around the world, that was only a phase. I realized that I was never actually uncomfortable in my male body, I just thought that since my interests were considered “girl things” that maybe I should be one. Looking back I realize that that was the influence of a Heteronormative Society speaking and that human sexuality and gender identity are much more complicated than I was able to grasp at 9 years old. Unfortunately, my being bullied didn't stop after the fifth grade, one of my bullies found me in middle school and I couldn’t handle it anymore. That’s when I transferred to the small private school that both of my younger brothers attended.
The middle school itself had only been open for a few months, making me a new member of the “Founding Class.” Looking back, the social aspect really wasn't much better than the school I’d transferred from. Don’t get me wrong, they were all very nice and welcoming, but I only had things in common with two or three of them. I was included in everything because, well, there were only 13 of us, but I never actually felt like I was part of the group. I don’t know if there’s anything that I could've done, though; the majority of the class were boys, and all of them were “jocks,” meaning that I didn’t have much in common with them. So I just stuck it out, because having no friends was better than being bullied relentlessly. The following year I met my best friend, Morgan, aka Mo. Mo quickly became a huge part of my life and is still one today. I literally can not imagine my life without her in it. We helped each other out of our shells, I was able to let down the walls that I’d built to protect myself; I was finally able to just be me!
After eighth grade, I went to a Catholic high school, so being gay wasn’t really a thing there (well sexuality in general wasn't a thing). (Luckily I had to take a Health class in middle school because my high school didn't teach Sex Ed. until Senior year.) If I’m gonna be really honest, I knew for sure that I’m gay by my freshman year, but it being a Catholic school, I had no clue how people would react or treat me. At school, and at Boy Scouts, I couldn't completely be myself.
Speaking of Boy Scouts, I’m an Eagle Scout, and I am proud to be one. It took a lot of hard work to get there, and there were multiple times where I wanted to quit. This was because, in some respects, Boy Scouts is a very Heteronormative organization, you know, “boys need to become macho, manly, men.” It wasn't until 2013 that gay men could even be involved in scouts, before that, if you were gay you couldn't be a scout or a volunteer. Being gay and an eagle Scout, I am happy with he strides that the BSA has made in the last three years.
By my junior year, I was ready to come out, and I sort of wish that I had. I think it would've made my life back then much easier, and maybe I would've actually had a boyfriend, instead of me just drooling over the football players (I mean, seriously, some of those guys were H-O-T hot), but alas, it wasn't meant to be. I think just knowing, and accepting, who I am was enough for me back then, coming out just didn't seem necessary.
The following year was when I finally started to come out about my sexuality. At first, only a few friends knew, and then the day before I was going to graduate, I finally just did it. I couldn't end my high school career
Now I’m in college and for the first time in my life I got to start somewhere new and be completely honest about who I am.
I’m not totally sure why I felt inclined to write this; I don't know if it’s for me or if it’s for the people in my life, but what I do know is that I grew up in a heteronormative society, and I hope that when I have kids of my own, heteronormativity will be a thing of the past.
