When I was younger, I always felt that I had to maintain a certain image for myself. I felt anxiety with eating in front of people I didn’t know well enough and sharing too much personal information. I never sang in front of others unless I was with my best friends and even then we were always off-key and just having fun. And there were even a few times I tried out for school plays and musical-based productions, but I was never good enough to be accepted. I never sang in front of my ex-boyfriend who always wanted to hear me sing; I didn’t want to feel embarrassed and reflecting on that, I truly felt that I always had something to prove. I had to prove I was clean and proper, that I was calm and collected, that if I said I liked to sing then I must’ve been good.

Today, I still feel many anxieties towards various situations. And yet, I am still maintaining an image for myself. For my family, I am a hardworking student; for my best friend I am a role model, driven and determined to achieve my ambitions. I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be. And somehow, I experienced a rare occurrence last week in which I was fully and unapologetically myself.

Last Monday, I met with a fellow regular at Gregory’s, the coffee shop by Hunter College. He was good friends with the same two baristas I was, and we almost immediately initiated a conversation. We talked for nearly four hours, discussing our favorite bands, films, and plenty of other topics which we shared similar views on. I essentially connected with a stranger in a short span of time and we had so much in common, I thought ‘what were the odds?’ He was so easy to talk to and made me feel comfortable. I didn’t feel anxious whatsoever and it truly felt freeing.

Friday evening, we met at Gregory’s once more and it was as if we were already good friends. We talked for hours once again, and shared countless smiles and laughs with the baristas. It was our beloved Jasmine’s last day before transferring to a different Gregory’s location, and we had quite a fun time together. With my new friend, I experienced something rare where I felt that I could share information about my life and I didn’t feel judged. We shared similar experiences and connected over relationship struggles, as well as our common interests. With exhaustion and the coffee taking over, I cared less about maintaining a certain image and for the first time in a long time I broke down walls that carefully hid parts of myself.

I felt free; free to be myself. He and I rapped, sang along to some of our favorite songs, and high-fived. I was in awe of how comfortable I was in exposing sides of myself most people don’t see. I often find it difficult to describe myself to others because there’s so many aspects to who I am, depending on who I’m with. I am a certain version of myself in the company of someone else. And perhaps I’m just in awe that he and I could freely talk for hours. We stayed with the baristas until closing time both Monday and Friday. We could’ve talked for longer.

For such a fun time, for the long chats, all the raps and sing-a-longs, all the smiles and laughs. For everything...Thank you.