Losing someone is never an easy thing.
The pain never goes away and you miss them every day. Their birthdays are never the same and neither is the day that they passed. We have this hope that they know what is going on in our lives, that they are looking out for us from above. Sometimes that is not comforting enough. Just in case, I wanted to take some time and let my grandfather know a couple of things.
First off, it has been five years since you have been gone. Five years. So many things have happened in five years, but I am going to try to catch you up.
1. I am graduating early!
I attended Olivet College here in Michigan. I am 12 credits away from graduating in 3 and a half years. I have pursued attaining my Bachelor's in Psychology. I know this might make you laugh but I absolutely love it. You were an inspiration in the back of my mind. You were always so quick to do things for people, like building a bathroom for them when you were "retired". You never quit anything and you never stopped doing things regardless of how you felt. You truly pushed me to put that type of effort into my schooling and helping other people.
2. I met someone
This is such an interesting thing to put in this because we have only been together for just a bit of time, but I think it's really important for you to know. He truly is amazing and he takes great care of me. I always remember you would ask if I found a boy yet, but then back it up with I have lots of time. Now that I have met one, I always wish you could meet him.
One thing: he is black. Not that that would ever matter to you. But you always said as long as he made me happy (which he does) he has your approval. I take that very strongly. Someone had said that you wouldn't approve and that thought broke my heart. Remembering conversations that we have had in the past just strengthened my belief that you would support my relationship because I am happy.
3. Thank you for everything
I didn't say it enough when you were here, but thank you for everything you did for me. From watching all my softball games to cutting the newspaper stories about my golf outings. We never appreciate people while they are here and we always have these moments of regret. But I truly do regret not letting you know how much I appreciated the things you taught me. I wouldn't know which screwdriver was a Phillips if it weren't for you.
Thank you for teaching me how to put things together. Remember when I put together that shower chair for you? The whole time I was worried I would do something wrong but you guided me through it all. That was the first time I took the screwdriver out of your hands and you let me take over. I will never forget that. To this day, I am always wanting to put things together.
I wouldn't enjoy breakfast the way I do if it wasn't for you. What I wouldn't give for one more Sunday at your house, with you walking around and taking omelette orders. Or even better, your famous sausage gravy and biscuits.
Thank you for making me a part of your stories. You never stopped sharing your stories, whether it was from your service or from work or with grandma. I still remember them like it was yesterday.
4. I miss you
Not a day goes by that I don't miss you. Nothing scares me more than feeling like I am forgetting things about you or our relationship. I challenge myself to think back and to continue remembering. I know you wouldn't want me to be sad about you being gone but I cannot help it. There is not enough positive things for people to say to me to help me not miss you. I used to miss you when I didn't see you for a long time. Now that I don't get to see you again, that feeling doesn't go away. I will never forget the first time I went back to the house after you passed. The feeling was different, almost felt empty. You just brightened up any area that you were in and I miss that, and of course, you.
5. I wish you were still here
Similarly to missing you, I wish you were still here. I still don't understand why you had to go so soon, but I know that it wasn't easy for you either. No time is enough time.
I feel like you just didn't get to partake in the big moments of my life (or the other grandkids). I graduated high school without seeing your face in the audience with grandma and it will be the same thing for college. I will get married without you sitting on the bride's side. I just remember as a little girl, playing softball, I could always look up into the stands and you would be there, smiling and waving. Now that I am a "big girl," I look up and you're not there. All I am left is your memory and the picture that hangs in my room. Sometimes I will put your picture on my phone or my computer so I can see you more frequently. It just isn't the same.
I won't ask if you are proud of me because I know you are. You always were. It didn't matter what I did, you would always be proud. That's the joy of having you as a grandpa. It was like I could do no wrong and you were supporting me through everything. I think that is part of what I miss the most. But I know I just wish you were here because not a day has been the same as when you were here.
Lastly...
I love you more than words can describe. I miss you more than you'll ever know. But I am doing great Grandpa, just like you knew I would. I know I should consider myself lucky because having your love and support for 16 years was amazing. That doesn't stop me from wanting you for more. That won't happen, but your love lives on. Your lessons will never be forgotten. And your picture will always be on my wall.