Dear Mommom,

Last week was officially a full year since you left us. And do I miss you. It hurts so much. You were that crazy grandmother who would call me and talk for 20 minutes about how to catch a fish, or how Florida was supposed to get a hurricane and you just wanted to make sure I was safe. In the past year so many things have changed. Big things have happened and I wasn't able to tell you about them and hear you tell me how much you loved me and how proud you were of me. Everywhere I go, all I see is you. It is so hard for me not to breakdown and cry in public. In memory of you I wanted to write you a letter with everything I wanted to tell you.

The first thing I wanted to tell you was how truly sorry I am. I'm so sorry that I never picked up your phone calls, or answered those text messages. I'm sorry that I never visited and was so consumed by other worldly things. I'm sorry that I let your addiction to alcohol blindside the fact about how much you just needed one of us to really step up and be there for you. I'm sorry that I let you sit in a dark room and smoke packs of cigarettes by yourself. I'm sorry for not being the granddaughter I was supposed to be.

The second thing I wanted to tell you was how grateful I am to have you in my life for the 18 years you were here. Words can not even describe how grateful I am. You always put everyone before you. It didn't matter to you if you were hurting, you would be there. If the flower beds needed to be weeded, you would be there. If I needed a ride from school, you would be there. You were there for me even when I wasn't there for you. You were such a huge part of my life. You still are. You supported me through the baby pageants, my student exchange, sports--whatever I did you supported me.

The last thing I wanted to tell you was how much I wish you were still here. I wish that you had been able to see me move to Florida like I've always dreamed of. I wish you were here so I could call you everyday and tell you how much I love you and how much you truly mean to me. I wish I could hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. I wish you were still here to so I could have you move down to Florida with me and I could help you escape the pain and misery that you were living in up in New Jersey.

I just wish that you were here so you could be a part of all of the accomplishments and big things I have been a part of while I'm in college. I wish that you had been able to see the first person in our family to graduate college with a Bachelors' degree. I wish you were here to see everything that is going to happen in the future. I wish you were here to see the other grandchildren. They miss you so much. We all just wish you were here.

Not a day goes by where I do not think about you. I wear you in my necklace everyday so no matter what I am doing you can be there in my heart. I really just wanted you to know how much I love you, and how much you truly mean to me.

With All My Heart,

Your Grand-Baby.