I'm pretty sure there is at least one person out there who can relate when I say my life has been a narrow hallway with rules and regulations serving as the walls, guiding every single one of my decisions. I guess sometimes I do push a few bricks out of this wall to have my own moment but for the most part, I have walked this long and boring hallway without making a peep.
I think my Indian culture plays a big part in me being such a rule follower. I grew up learning that respecting your parents and elders was one of the most important things in your life. And I still believe this is very true. But I didn't even realize that I had let this ideology restrict me to this one endless path.
My parents never restricted me in a way as to stop me from reaching my fullest potential or setting high goals. They taught me that I needed to focus on my education to be successful. They worked to raise a girl who could stand on her own and never had to rely on anyone else. And through this process, the fear of failure and of the consequences of my actions were instilled in me. I had begun to question every action I took and always worried about the end result, about the looming possibility of failure and danger.
In high school, I was always surrounded by people telling me what to do. My entire day, literally hour by hour was dictated by my schedule and at home, my parents told me to do my homework and to eat dinner at 7 and then go to sleep by 10 and repeat. But I've graduated high school. The walls of my hallway opened to a bigger, wider one with smaller bricks and thinner walls.
The car ride to college was a four hour and thirty minutes internal battle between the part of me who wanted to enjoy the college experience and the part that told me to never leave the library and just focus on my class load. After finally reaching college with a pounding headache I was able to allow myself to enjoy the first week or so of college.
But my fear of failure and breaking rules overwhelmed me again. I kept saying no to things that sound even moderately dangerous and I was the only one in my friend circle that constantly complained about missing my parents. It's only been a month but my actions this far were always mom-approved — lame, I know, but I didn't have the heart to do something my parents wouldn't approve of. They painfully agreed to send me away and the only thing my mom said to me was, "Become something, my daughter, we are sending you so far away to make it worth it. Become something big, become something good."
And I feel like if I did start wearing skimpy clothing or started partying I would be going against their wishes. And after being teased for being a goody-two-shoes, I realized that I do things that are mom-approved because they are Aaliya-approved, too. My parents instilled their values and morals within me, and that is why I feel like I'm constantly trying to live by their rules; their ways of life are my ways of life. And I don't think I should be ashamed of being this way. I don't think anyone should be ashamed to live like this.
The college journey is just beginning for me and throughout it, I hope to grow out of the fear of failure that I have while maintaining my morals and values. I'm sure I'm not the only person on this journey, so I hope everyone is able to overcome their fears and grow no matter what stage of this process they are in right now.