I remember the days when I would get tongue twisted and freeze up in the spot when I was having conversations with people. I wouldn't know what to say or whether or not I should say something. These were the times when I was deemed "awkward" by my fellow peers and classmates. I would dress in mismatched colors, sometimes a dark khaki and a bright yellow, others a lavender purple and very pale colored pants. I never seemed to think twice about what other people had to say to me. Well, that wasn't a problem, until I began to realize that I wasn't being true to myself in more than half of all the situations that time.
Let's face it. It's hard to stay true to yourself, when you live in a world where everyone is trying to put one another down and competition flows in social circles. I always had a set of different masks I would wear to different hangouts with different people. Just to be clear, I did not use these masks to be seen as fake or not trustworthy. I wore these masks, because they helped me to prevent those awkward moments I would have with people. I always thought that if I put up some kind of front, people wouldn't be able to see my awkwardness.
I realized that the reason why it became harder to stay true to myself was because of the collection of masks I had in my room. Every single time I would wear a mask, there would be one more layer added to prevent my true self from being exposed to other people. I used to think that if I could have all the masks in the world, I could fit in perfectly with society and there would be no reason to be exposed in the spotlight. To be honest, I was afraid of being exposed. I was afraid of being criticized and put down for my true self. There is just so much hate and judgement in this world and I didn't want to become a part of that. I even doubted anyone could ever see right through me, but I was certainly wrong, once I began to come out of my shell of masks. People already saw me. There was already a translucent shield when I talked to people for the first time. They would figure out the type of person I am, without me even knowing.
I never thought of people as perceptive. I was one to always think of them as just go by the motions and try not to stick out (Basically what I was trying to do, at that time).
But day by day, the awkward feeling got worse and worse. I would end up restraining from going to social activities and hangouts. I would often stay inside and curl up with a book or different articles to read. I would just stay away. But little did I know that this was my period of metamorphosis from being a socially awkward caterpillar and turning into a butterfly that would fly into the realms of difference in this world.For the first time in my life, I wasn't scared of being different from others anymore. I have learned to embrace any kind of difference I may have. In my mind, difference began to equal beauty. Anyone who is different, is also beautiful. I realized that my socially awkwardness was a reflex from myself to hide the differences, whether internal or external, physical or mental, I had from other people. I just wanted to be like everyone else, until I realized that's not what I want anymore. I want to be me.