I used to babysit a girl that, once her parents left for the day, would find all the ice cream and cookies her parents had told her she couldn’t eat. She would eat a bag of chips or a few ice cream bars. I knew she was hungry but I was put into a position where I thought I had to say no. I was her step-in parent for the day. This was not my house, or my rules, or my food, and I had to continue to follow what her parents had set.

But I saw something I had seen before. I knew this little girl and her attraction to these foods. I knew the desperation to just want to eat whatever she could without her parent’s judgment. And I knew she felt comfortable enough around me to show her vulnerability.

I had been there before.

In our society, we tend to separate foods into “good” and “bad” categories. What is acceptable and what is not. What is healthy and what will make us fat. We are raised to control what food we put into our bodies and restrict ourselves from the deliciously deceptive rich food. As a recovering anorexic, there are extremes I have personally taken to restrict these “bad” foods.

When I was little I would sneak granola bars, chocolate, gummy bears; anything I could get my hands on just to eat them. I was hungry. And I went for the food I wasn’t supposed to have. I felt shameful that I was binging on these unacceptable foods. If the foods I ate were bad, then that must have made me bad as well.

Thinking back, I carry the thought of how much I could have impacted that little girl. She deserved a woman in her life that she could be vulnerable in her life and let her know that it was okay to eat, because eventually on her own she would realize that a diet of cookies and ice cream wouldn’t be all that great. Maybe she would begin to choose other options because she simply had the choice to.

I wish I could have let her know that it was completely okay to eat that ice cream. I wish I could have let her know that it was okay to eat and not feel guilty about what she was putting into her body, that hiding food is not okay. I wish I could tell her that her worth and beauty does not come from simply her outward appearance and that all food is good food.

I continue to struggle to this day to allow myself food that I have deemed “bad”. I continue to carry deep guilt over certain foods I eat and feel shameful if I eat too much. I hope that I can raise my children to see food as just that, food. It is nourishment for your body.

So eat the cookie, eat the apple, fuel your body without trying to restrain yourself. And remember, food does not define you.