So we all have our struggles right? However, we all can agree that trying to juggle college, work, a social life, relationships, and a healthy amount of relaxation can be a nightmare. This past semester has been a nightmare and a half for me. Trying to juggle everything became extremely difficult. I struggled with trying to keep everything at a steady pace. So let me break things down for you.

First, I’ll talk about the good. From as long as I can remember, I always wished to be busy. I grew up not doing a lot and I always wanted to be active. Once I started attending college, that’s when everything started looking up. It provided a lot of positive influences on me. It allowed me to get out and start making decisions on my own, learned how to manage my time, and learned a little about myself as well. Starting college seemed to turn over a new leaf for me. I was making plans on my own, and truly becoming independent. I remember I craved independence. Ever since I was little, there were always people telling me how to live my life. I was so excited to escape that environment (or so I thought).

Now where to get to the part where things take a turn. Last year I was in a toxic relationship. Toxic in many ways. Emotionally, mentally, and even physically I became worn down. Refusing to acknowledge it, I perused the relationship. A few months down the line, the relationship ended and I became very depressed and lacked any sense of hope or life. I know that that sounds stupid but it is how I felt. My schooling, social life, and work were starting to decline. At the time I was trying to recover from depression and never seemed to be able to do the things I used to do. Not everything was an easy battle. In fact, I found simple things to be quite challenging. Eventually over time, I realized that it was my mindset that was making it worse. I started to pick up on my flaws, thinking that if I fixed them, it would fix everything. (once again, a stupid thought). I thought that maybe if I can fix all my flaws, the depression would disappear. I started acting more positive about things and trained my mind to be positive. Now that doesn’t sound too terrible, right? However, things didn’t get much better.

The ugly. Here is the scary thing. While I thought I was doing a good thing by trying to train my mindset, I realized I was just pushing down and bottling up my feelings. I started having fall outs with my family more often, pushed away most of my friends, and even became self-destructive. I couldn’t understand why everything seemed to come crashing down on me. All my relationships were either difficult or non-existent. I was trying to find out what my purpose was when all around me I just seemed to be more harmful than helpful. Unfortunately, I let depression creep in and grab hold of my mind. I was letting my emotions control my thoughts. And my thoughts control my emotions. After seeking some help, I was able to realize that I had bottled up everything and I never dealt with them. Looking back, I realized that I was searching for love, for someone to care for me and make me feel like I was important. I felt this way, because, just about all my life I have been shoved aside. I was shoved aside by friends, family, and even strangers. This is the ugly right here. Searching for love can be dangerous. So dangerous that it messes you up in many ways. As people we desire and long for a certain amount of love and attention and when someone is pushed aside for too long it starts to mess with them. I know we all like to think and believe we are fine without love and attention, but we are just not designed that way. So last but not least, the ugly truth is, we all think we are fine on our own. However, we are not fine on our own, and we are designed to love and give attention just as much as we receive it. The sooner the world comes around to helping each other, the better off we all will be.