I am terrified of my dreams. Since I was young, my aspirations have always been bigger than myself - my ambition was limitless and my goals for life were far from traditional. I was sure I was meant to be someone special and do something meaningful.
My dreams were never realistic and far from easily attainable, but these obstacles only made fearless. Young me knew what I wanted out of life and doubt was not a word in my dictionary. When I was in the second grade, my family and I lived on an island on the coast of Spain called Tenerife. In the town that I lived they did a yearly beauty pageant and whoever won would be crowned "The Princess of Santa Cruz's carnival." Now when I was seven years old, I was what some people like to call "butt ugly," this is not my attempt of false modesty because I am as modest as I am tall- I am 5'1 (And a half because of every inch counts).
Anyways, I had convinced myself that I was going to participate in the pageant and win that damn crown, my mother was not as enthusiastic as I was.  In her attempt to discourage my dream of becoming a toddler in a tiara, she gently reminded me how hurt I would be if I were to lose and in the blind confidence of a seven-year-old with higher self-esteem and ambition than people three times her age I replied: "And if I win?"
This response has somehow come back to bite me in the ass for past thirteen years since my mom likes to use the wisdom of a child to encourage me whenever I need a little confidence boost. That is a lot. Also, kudos to seven-year-old me for being so freaking astute, am I right?! (See, I told you no modesty exists here). If you're wondering how that story ended, I never signed up for the pageant because I am as lazy as am ambitious (the internal struggle is real AF yo- do people still say AF? I have never been hip but help me god I will die trying).
Anyhow, I told that little story just so you could understand how confident and sure of myself I was as a kid, all of that managed to disappear the moment I stepped into halls of my high school.
For the past 7 years, I have been terrified, to be honest, with myself and admit to the world my seriously ridiculous aspirations because failing is scary and I know I could never be satisfied with a conventional life. Disclaimer: This doesn't mean that I think your life sucks if you dream of being something such as a teacher or an accountant. (Seriously though, I support everyone's dreams whether they are big or small and  anyone who judges your dream is a prick you shouldn't associate with).
If you thought I was not going to get sentimental, well buddy the jokes on you because this is the part where I go in depth into that touchy-feely stuff that just makes some people supes uncomfortable (am I hip yet dammit?).
I was ashamed for daring to aspire to be something greater than myself. I lay awake at night because sometimes the doubt eats away at me and plants it's seeds of worry in my head and waters itself every single time I write hoping that one day the doubt will grow so much that I'll decide maybe I am just fooling myself into having an elusive dream.
I am scared of not being good enough, I am scared of failure but most of all I am scared that I will wake up twenty years from now not having accomplished anything with my life because I never got the balls to risk everything and just say "screw it."
I crave that blind confidence that I took for granted so many years ago when everything was attainable and anyone who stood in my way was getting a kick to their knee (Again, I am very short and have the arms of a T-rex). The good thing is that I woke up, while I was young enough, while I had enough time to throw caution to the wind and pursue my dreams.
I realized that the fear never really goes away - that little voice telling me I am never going to amount to anything is always going to be there taunting me, I just need to be courageous enough to not listen to it and to believe in myself. And that's always the hardest part, isn't it? Something about believing in yourself feels wrong, almost like you shouldn't want more out of life or thinking that you are talented is somehow vain.
I am aware that it takes practice, not everyone is capable of accepting themselves from the get-go but my God nothing feels as good as doing the thing that makes you happy, to work on your dream you have and slowly see it grow from an aspiration to reality. So I am dedicating this is to all whose ambition intimidates them, to those who always were told they dream too big.
This is your reminder to not give up on yourself because success only comes to those who don't ever stop trying to reach it.