Recently, I traveled back home for a few days then to Texas to see family and my boyfriend, who just graduated from basic training, for Thanksgiving. It was the best and quickest week of my life. It was wonderful having a break from the craziness of college and see people I haven't seen in forever.
My boyfriend and I hadn't seen each other in three months and two of those months were without communication while he was completing basic training. Finally seeing him after so long was the best thing ever, but that day and a half went by way too fast.
When the time came to leave I was a mess. I held it together until I waved goodbye as we were driving away. I cried the entire way back to my aunt and uncle's house, just ask my mother. She endured a five-hour car drive of an incredibly emotional girl who cried in the middle of McDonald's.
Then, thinking I had gotten all my crying out of the way, I cried the next morning sitting at our gate in the airport. It wasn't that quiet crying either. It was the gross, noisy crying. All I wanted to do in that moment is leave the airport and drive right back.
Later that day, at the Chicago Airport, I had to also part ways with my mother as she had a flight going to Ohio while I was to go back to Syracuse. To say I was a mess the rest of the day is an understatement.
Once the school week began I hated waking up. The moment I woke up I got that feeling in my stomach. You know the feeling where you are so sad you can actually feel your heart breaking and your stomach is in knots? That is what I felt almost every morning of that first week back.
I missed so much. I missed home and my mom and my dad and my brothers and my friends and everything that is familiar to me. I missed my boyfriend and I cried over the fact that he wasn't coming home for Christmas and I didn't know when I would see him again.
The uncertainty of everything scared me. It made me so nervous and anxious and sad. I started wishing I could rewind back to summer so that I could be so incredibly happy again before distance came in between me and everyone and everything I loved.
That first week back at school I called my mom almost every night. My boyfriend was still without a phone until the next week so I had gone right back to reality. I went from actually being with him in person to not talking to him at all again.
I felt like I was using my mom at first. I felt bad for calling her just because I needed someone to fill the void. Then, I realized just how much I needed to talk to her. She told me something that has been on my mind ever since.
She told me that no one person can be my source of happiness.
Her exact phrase went something like this:
"Brandon cannot be your source of Happiness, Caitlin. Happiness starts with you being content with YOU. You need to figure out YOU and do what you want for YOU. Not me, not Dad, not Brandon. We can all be gone tomorrow. Live YOUR life - God will fill in the blanks."
I never even thought about how everyone I count on and rely on to make me happy could actually be gone in the blink of an eye. All these people in my life could be gone from my life and then what do I do?
Now, the chances of everyone in my life disappearing in the near future is slim to none, but this really got me thinking. As much as I say I believe and trust in God and how I put my life in His hands, I really don't allow Him to be the beholder of my happiness.
I count on everyone else in my life to be my source of happiness. I need to start looking to God more and, when all these uncertainties in my life come about, know that He is in control. He has my whole life planned and that all I need to do is trust in Him and I will be happy.
God must be my source of happiness. He is the one who will always be that constant rock in my life. He will ALWAYS be there. While I know the people in my life care about me and love me and support me as well, God will never be gone.
My relationship with God is always going to be a constant. If I trust in Him everything will be okay.
I still am so grateful for all the people in my life and yes, I am still a tad emotional about being apart, but I am working on focusing my happiness on the Lord. My mom and dad and brothers and friends and boyfriend make me SO incredibly happy, but I need to strengthen my relationship with God as well.
Focusing your happiness in God will make life so much better. Having loving and caring people in your life is so important and so wonderful, but God needs to come first. He is your one, true source of happiness.
So, I leave you with this simple bible verse:
"But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful."