God Must Be Your Source Of Happiness

God Must Be Your Source Of Happiness

Everyone in your life could be gone in a flash, but God is always here.

Recently, I traveled back home for a few days then to Texas to see family and my boyfriend, who just graduated from basic training, for Thanksgiving. It was the best and quickest week of my life. It was wonderful having a break from the craziness of college and see people I haven't seen in forever.

My boyfriend and I hadn't seen each other in three months and two of those months were without communication while he was completing basic training. Finally seeing him after so long was the best thing ever, but that day and a half went by way too fast.

When the time came to leave I was a mess. I held it together until I waved goodbye as we were driving away. I cried the entire way back to my aunt and uncle's house, just ask my mother. She endured a five-hour car drive of an incredibly emotional girl who cried in the middle of McDonald's.

Then, thinking I had gotten all my crying out of the way, I cried the next morning sitting at our gate in the airport. It wasn't that quiet crying either. It was the gross, noisy crying. All I wanted to do in that moment is leave the airport and drive right back.

Later that day, at the Chicago Airport, I had to also part ways with my mother as she had a flight going to Ohio while I was to go back to Syracuse. To say I was a mess the rest of the day is an understatement.

Once the school week began I hated waking up. The moment I woke up I got that feeling in my stomach. You know the feeling where you are so sad you can actually feel your heart breaking and your stomach is in knots? That is what I felt almost every morning of that first week back.

I missed so much. I missed home and my mom and my dad and my brothers and my friends and everything that is familiar to me. I missed my boyfriend and I cried over the fact that he wasn't coming home for Christmas and I didn't know when I would see him again.

The uncertainty of everything scared me. It made me so nervous and anxious and sad. I started wishing I could rewind back to summer so that I could be so incredibly happy again before distance came in between me and everyone and everything I loved.

That first week back at school I called my mom almost every night. My boyfriend was still without a phone until the next week so I had gone right back to reality. I went from actually being with him in person to not talking to him at all again.

I felt like I was using my mom at first. I felt bad for calling her just because I needed someone to fill the void. Then, I realized just how much I needed to talk to her. She told me something that has been on my mind ever since.

She told me that no one person can be my source of happiness.

Her exact phrase went something like this:

"Brandon cannot be your source of Happiness, Caitlin. Happiness starts with you being content with YOU. You need to figure out YOU and do what you want for YOU. Not me, not Dad, not Brandon. We can all be gone tomorrow. Live YOUR life - God will fill in the blanks."



I never even thought about how everyone I count on and rely on to make me happy could actually be gone in the blink of an eye. All these people in my life could be gone from my life and then what do I do?

Now, the chances of everyone in my life disappearing in the near future is slim to none, but this really got me thinking. As much as I say I believe and trust in God and how I put my life in His hands, I really don't allow Him to be the beholder of my happiness.

I count on everyone else in my life to be my source of happiness. I need to start looking to God more and, when all these uncertainties in my life come about, know that He is in control. He has my whole life planned and that all I need to do is trust in Him and I will be happy.

God must be my source of happiness. He is the one who will always be that constant rock in my life. He will ALWAYS be there. While I know the people in my life care about me and love me and support me as well, God will never be gone.

My relationship with God is always going to be a constant. If I trust in Him everything will be okay.

I still am so grateful for all the people in my life and yes, I am still a tad emotional about being apart, but I am working on focusing my happiness on the Lord. My mom and dad and brothers and friends and boyfriend make me SO incredibly happy, but I need to strengthen my relationship with God as well.

Focusing your happiness in God will make life so much better. Having loving and caring people in your life is so important and so wonderful, but God needs to come first. He is your one, true source of happiness.

So, I leave you with this simple bible verse:

Psalm 68:3

"But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful."

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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You Deserve Happiness

And it's seriously that simple.


If you're wondering if you deserve happiness or why everything just doesn't feel right in your life right now, just know that it's going to be ok and that everything happens for a reason. While there's going to be good days and there's going to be bad days, one thing is certain: you deserve happiness.

Trust me; I know it's not easy.

People are going to be rude and some are going to try and create drama when they have the opportunity. However, while you're reading this, you should know that it happens to everyone and you are not alone when it comes to having these feelings or perspective.

2019 (or whatever year you are reading this in) is your year and nothing should change that. Whether it started out rough or incredible, there is still time to turn it around and make it what you want it to be.

Life is like a car and you're the driver. If you don't like where you're headed, turn around or make a quick right. It's ok to remove toxic and negative people from your life and distance yourself from things you realized are not worth your time or energy anymore.

Bad days are still, unfortunately, going to happen here and there. However, learning how to handle them and make them less of an emotional tragedy (depending on the severity of what happened of course) will make you a stronger person.

So if you're reading this because you needed it or simply because you saw it somewhere across social media, remember that you deserve everything you want out of life and more. Take a deep breath today and focus your energy on the positive aspects of life.

Life is what you make it and it's the way you react to certain things that happen that ultimately shapes you into who you are. Keep doing your thing, whatever that may be, and things are going to work out.

This is your year!

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