Like many women today, I consider myself a feminist. I acknowledge that there are many issues with the feminist movement today, but I still believe in the overall goal: equality between the sexes. That being said, this equality can often get lost in translation. While many feminists focus on the many problems facing women, we don't often recognize the consequence the war on femininity can have on men and their masculinity. When it comes to abuse, especially physical abuse, men are often left out of the conversation, but I think it is time we discuss both sides of the story:
A video recently resurfaced due to Twitter this week, with a rather controversial topic. In an episode from 2014, the ladies of "The View" discussed comments made by Stephen A Smith regarding a domestic violence case involving NFL player Ray Rice and his fiance, Janay Palmer. Stephen had said that, even though a man should never put his hands on a woman, women should "make sure [they] don’t do anything to provoke wrong actions." While most of "The View" panel agreed that Smith's comments would be considered victim blaming, Whoopi Goldberg came to Smith's defense: "If you make the choice as a woman who's 4 foot 3 and you decide to hit a guy who's 6 foot and you're the last thing he wants to deal with that day and he hits you back, you cannot be surprised!" Goldberg's comments were met with a mix of applause from the audience and angry retorts from her fellow panel members, who accused her of also blaming the victim. Rice's actions cannot in ANY way be justified, but Goldberg brings to light an important issue in gender politics that is rarely discussed, even among feminists: Why do we so often turn a blind eye to violence against men when it is perpetrated by a woman?
When you start to look for it, you'll see it everywhere. Women slapping their boyfriends when they are in a heated argument, teenage girls invading their guy friends personal space by pushing or kicking them in a "playful way." You can see it in movies, on street corners, and even in workplaces. Why is a woman hitting a man so normal in our society, especially when the opposite is so taboo?
Many people excuse this normalization by stating that men are the stronger sex, and therefore should be able to take a hit from a woman without retaliation. Even the ladies of the View responded to Whoopi Goldberg's comments by saying that it is never okay for a man to hit a woman unless his life is in danger. It is true that the average man is physically stronger than the average women, but giving all women a pass to abuse men because of this is ridiculous.
We no longer live a time when all women do is sit at home while men go off to war or do manual labor. We have women who are incredible athletes, soldiers, and even MMA fighters. Millennial women, on average, are much stronger than their mothers, and if the trend of female empowerment continues, it is possible that we could see the physical gap between men and women shrink even more (or become non-existent) in the future. Putting aside futuristic equality, women of today are just as capable as men of handling themselves and their physicality. Excusing violence inflicted on men by women is not only misogynistic, but is also incredibly harmful to the well-being of men in our society.
It starts from a very young age. Little boys are told that they should never hit a woman, but are encouraged to be physical with their brothers and male friends. Little girls are taught to be dainty and polite, but if a boy does you wrong, girl, you have every right to kick his ass! I am all for women defending themselves, but the punishment should fit the crime. If a man is attacking a girl, by all means, fight back! But why do we condone women slapping men when they upset them when a man doing the same thing is considered abuse? By enforcing this rule that men shouldn't hit women under any circumstances, our society is excusing abuse. Sure, if a small, 4-foot woman slapped a man, it may not hurt him physically, but it does take an emotional toll. Today, it might be a slap or a punch on the arm, but tomorrow it could be pressuring him into sex, manipulating his free will, or making him feel worthless in other ways. As much as our society likes to pretend they don't, men DO have feelings, and those feelings are valid. Just because a woman does not pose a physical threat to a man, does not mean she cannot abuse him. Men should be taught from a young age that they have every right to stand up for themselves in their relationships with women. Violence may not be the answer, but men have every right to walk away from abusive relationships. Just because you can take a hit, doesn't mean that you should.
On the other hand, allowing women to hit men diminishes our power in society as well. "You hit like a girl" is a common phrase used to shame both men and women for a lack of strength. Being beat by a girl in any type of contest constitutes shame, no matter how physically strong or capable the woman who won might be. Women are not seen as a serious threat, and this can be a great detriment to women in throughout their lives. Women grow up thinking they are not as capable as men, and this can create a lack of confidence in school, relationships, and the workplace. Girls who hit puberty are even taught that being strong is undesirable for a girl. This leads to the dropout rate of girls in sports to be six times that of boys. With modern feminism and increased representation, we are seeing progress, but we still have a long way to go. Encouraging girls to reach their full potential without enforcing the idea that they are good "for a girl" will help ensure that women do not think of themselves as less than their male peers.
We should regard men and women as equals, even sometimes as equally harmful, especially when it comes to interpersonal relationships. Giving women a free pass to physically assault their boyfriends/husbands, however harmless it may seem, is overall harmful to both parties involved. So teach men and women that violence is not the answer, except for in self-defense. Treating men and women as equally harmful and equally vulnerable to abuse will go a long way in ending domestic violence and ensuring that our society moves forward compassionately towards equality.