Let me tell you something, you're not.
I remember going through my first breakup, something that I has always heard about and occasionally thought about but never actually knew how life altering it would actually be. Life altering is a strong word, but it is somewhat fitting.
I never really saw myself as the kind of girl who would react so strongly to a breakup. I never thought my confidence would be shaken. And I surely never thought my foundational beliefs about myself would feel so shaken.
The reality of a breakup is that it is a mind altering, world rumbling, and will make you question everything. It will make you question not only the relationship but your entire self. After my first breakup, I felt like I was crazy. I accepted the fact that the relationship was ended but this only opened up a door of me questioning what went wrong and what I could have done to compromise.
Months later, after trying times of hurt and questions, I have realized I am not crazy. I am hurt. And it is neither his fault nor mine.
I blame my wandering mind and my thoughts late at night. I blame my unrealistic ideas of what could have been. I blame my thoughts on what I would compromise on. It was not so much of how he hurt me, bur rather, how I hurt myself.
The idea of moving on is simple, but in reality it is much harder to actually do when you are weighing yourself down by your own thoughts. The toxicity was almost never from the relationship as much as it was from me allowing myself to be torn up by things that simply do not matter and probably never mattered.
Get rid of the "should haves", the "would haves" and focus on the "what is going to be". It's not as if I do not think about him. I do and regularly. But more so now I think about what I need and I now know what I cannot give up in a relationship.
Life is trial and error, an ebb and flow of mistakes and adjustments from those mistakes. I know I am not crazy. But often times we spend our time trying to think about how we would have fixed a relationship that was probably broken a while before it even ended. We hold onto what is bringing us down rather than on moving forward.
This is me, telling you, that you are not crazy. You are hurt. You are sad. You are probably lonely. But you're not crazy. It will not be like this forever, but by allowing yourself to move on you are doing more for yourself alone than you ever were with that other person.
Everything that is broken, just let it be. Allow yourself to move on and just be free.