My sweet girl,
It stung you. I know it hurt you. I know all about the crying yourself to sleep, and I know all about the overthinking. I know all about the realizing it’s impacting your other relationships, and I know all about fearing abandonment. I know all about the missed birthdays, and I know all about the no calls and the no-shows. I know because my dad left me behind too. I can only tell you what I’ve learned myself, so here are 5 things I want every girl with a dad like mine to remember:
1. It IS OK to hate him for it.
I know people say that holding a grudge only hurts you, but as an actual human being, I’m here to tell you that it is perfectly normal to feel this way. You don’t owe forgiveness to anyone who hurt you, and it takes a long time to become OK with something as devastating as this. In the meantime, it is OK to hate him for leaving you.
2. Nothing you could have ever done deserved this.
I’ve spent so much of my own precious time racking my brain to think of every little thing I could have ever done wrong to make him do this. What’s wrong with me? What did I do? Why doesn’t he want me? All of these are questions that do not have answers. There is nothing a daughter could do that deserves her daddy leaving her. The moment that you honestly accept that into your heart is the moment that you become free. A father’s love should be unconditional and unwavering, and I am so sorry that you aren’t getting that from him.
3. You are NOT un-loveable.
It is just simply not true. Your dad leaving does not determine your capacity for love. You will meet someone and grow old together. This person will give you everything you need. This person will show you things about yourself that you had never seen before. You will feel at peace with this person, safe and warm. This kind of love DOES exist for girls who have been through what we have been through, and all I have to say to you is … don’t ever settle for less than what you deserve when it comes to love.
4. You don’t have to hate your last name.
Although this may not apply to you, I still feel the need to share it with the girls who do have his last name. I struggled for a long time about this; feeling like it was a constant reminder of the hurt I felt. It almost made me feel branded… like an unwanted livestock. Then I realized that my last name is attached to more than just him. It ties me to my Nana and Paw and my little brother. People who adore me and have always been there for me. It symbolizes more than just who my father is, and it’s important to realize that your last name is yours. It belongs to you, not just to him.
5. If he ever reaches out, it is YOUR decision.
Several family members have tried to tell me that if my dad ever called me and apologized that I would allow him back into my life. This is not true for me, and it’s OK if you feel the same way. Just because he is your biological father, does not mean that you owe this to him. Regardless of what others may tell you, I’m here to say that you don’t have to accept him back into your life. You don’t have to clear out a space for him. It is OK to hear his apology and say thank you and goodbye. I promise you, I would understand. With that being said I need you to know that it’s also OK to say yes. It’s OK to break down and cry and ask when he wants to meet and catch up. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you stupid. All I care about is your happiness. It is your life, and it is your decision only.
This letter to you has been one I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I hope you hear my words, and take them to heart.
You are full of worth. You are capable of being loved. You are more than enough.
All my love,
Savannah