I have fought a problem my whole life, that actually really effects me on a day to day basis. A problem that makes others judge me and leaves me feeling guilty sometimes. I have a hard time showing emotions, if I show any at all.
For as long as I can remember I have not been able to show emotions when I’m in public. If someone gives me a gift it is the most awkward experience for me because I feel like they are judging me based on how my face looks. It’s not that I ever hate a gift or that I hate getting gifts, I’ve just never have been able to show the “correct” emotions.
In movies when a friend group has something good happen they jump up and down screaming because they are so happy. I have never had one of those moments in life. Even when I got into college I just gave a half smile and said, “ I got in”. I wasn’t discrediting that it was a big deal I’m just not the type of person to show over the top excitement.
It’s not that I don't care, or that I’m embarrassed to show emotions it was just something that did not come natural to me. To show the “proper” emotions for the situation I would have to try really hard and force myself to be remotely better.
I’m the weirdo that laughs when someone is crying because it makes makes me so uncomfortable to see someone in pain that I have no idea what to do. But if I’m at home in privacy and I’m watching a sad movie I will sit there and ball my eyes out.
Anytime a boyfriend has gotten me a gift I always feel so bad because I just force myself to share a small smile and put the gift out of eye sight. I may absolutely LOVE what they got me but I have no idea how to convey that.
Usually people just start telling you that you have resting bitch face due to this. Though I prefer to call it just having a poker face on and I’m trying to keep you on your toes about how I feel. I don’t need to show my emotions with you, they are my private feelings.
I just would rather cry at home to my pillow if something really bad happened instead of showing other people. I do have emotions, I’m not a robot. They are just personal and do not need an audience to occur.
I’m not a mean person and I actually have a really big heart, this is just a weird quirk about my personality. My family makes fun of me for it, and others probably judge me for it but it is what it is.
To anyone who has a hard time showing emotions, don’t feel bad you’re not alone. It may not be the best quality to have but we deal with it.