Today is going to be a good day, and here's why...because today, today at least you're you and that's enough

I've spent the last 18 years of my life faking it until I made it, to some degree. It didn't matter if I didn't know what I was doing, or why, or if I got anything out of it. It only mattered that no one else knew I didn't know what I was doing. And for the most part, it worked.

With the exception of my mother very few people ever caught me in the act. They chose to believe I was this overly excited and knowledgeable person. Somehow I understood everything, math, science, English. I can talk, I can write, I can play music. Jokes on you, I couldn't and for the most part, I still can't.

It took me 18 and a half years to come to terms with the idea that I can't be everything to everyone, not everyone will like me. Countless mental breakdowns, years of suicidal thoughts, and living in a constant state of anxiety later, I finally understand it's okay.

I am simply me. I am a mess of curls and bad music. I am pent up anxieties and frustrations. I am smart, honestly, I am so smart, but not without trying. When my friends hit their political phase, I stayed up for hours reading, even taking notes about the things I heard them talking about in class, so that the next time one of them turned to me in class I could mutter my way through the conversation and not feel so inferior.

That was another thing. I spent so much time feeling lesser than everyone else that I forced my attitude into acting like I was better than everyone else. In the end, this costs me 3x the number of friends it brought me.

We've talked about it too, one of the main friends I thank for this journey said to me not that long ago said "I like you so much better when you're just you. I can't stand to watch you try so hard." And honestly? I don't have the time to try anymore.

In between taking 18 credit hours, finding a way to work 20+ hours (along with a side hustle), maintain a social life, volunteer and find time to occasionally eat and sleep, I can't be freaking out over why the girl who sat next to me in the 10th grade blocked me on snapchat, or why that boy looked like I really got on his nerves because I kept giggling. I've got so many dreams, so many plans and I'm going to make them all happen, while loving myself for exactly who I am