To The Girl Who Still Doesn't Love Herself, Don't Give Up

To The Girl Who Still Doesn't Love Herself, Don't Give Up

No matter how you see yourself, you are enough and you are worth it.
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In our society, representation of yourself is important. It's strangers first impression of you. Now, I know many of us are in college and don't put much time into what we wear or what we look like (because we all have those roll-out-of-bed days). But I know a lot of people who put the effort in their outfit because they are doing it for themselves. Maybe it's for their own satisfaction or that they are genuinely trying to impress someone.

For me, it's for my own wellbeing.

Throughout high school, I have struggled with my self-image.

I'm an average white girl in a sea of beautiful, tall girls that do their makeup every day and wear the perfect outfit and never fail to look amazing.

Now that I am in college, I scroll through Instagram to see people living their best lives and taking the best pictures looking absolutely beautiful. I know that social media takes on a positive persona so that way people can show how off how amazing their lives are when it may not be at all.

But when life gets me down, I can't help and think I wish I was like them.

Those thoughts of "I wish I was this..." or "I hope I can be more like..." or "I wish I was more..." become deafening. This starts affecting my confidence levels. Even if I know I have the capability to do it, I doubt it or think it's not good enough. Some go farther and think they are worth nothing. When people say, "You need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else." Maybe that's true, but how long will that take?

Just know it may take awhile. I am 20 years old and I am not there yet. I look in the mirror and see flaws. A blemish that has been there for several weeks. I think as soon as one goes away, two more pop up. A butt that I wish was bigger so that way I could fill out my jeans. A lot of people talk about amazing they feel, I have yet to feel that.

You will have good days and bad days.

One day you may feel like a queen and the next day feel like every look toward you is staring at the flaws that you may only notice. In the words of Jessie J, "It's okay not be okay."

Be true to who you are.

At the end of the day, looks may be what people see first but friendships and relationships are based on your personality and who you truly are. The good qualities that make you amazing will show through your looks. But no matter how you see yourself, you are enough and you are worth it.

You deserve the best day of your life. You deserve an A on that midterm because you did your best. You deserve to feel the sun hit your face on a cloudless day because you keep going and you see the positive things in life when the world is full of negativity. Don't give up darling, just keep trying.

Cover Image Credit: Instagram

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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To The Girl Who Wants A Change

First of all, you're beautiful and girl, I relate.

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Every person on this planet has thought about what they would do if they could change something about their appearance. It may just be me, but there seems to be this stage of depression where you look yourself in the mirror and don't want to be you. You want that bright colored hair if yours is dark. You want your nails done and your makeup on point. You want to have the body type and looks to wear that one outfit you've had your eye on but just can't pull off.

You become almost overconcerned and overly-conscious about how people see you and how your image is projected upon the world.

Honestly, when you get to this point, there's really no going back. Some people are very skeptical of changing things when in this stage of itching for something new. They believe that as soon as it's done that you're going to regret what you've done and now you're gonna hate yourself even more.

My advice is that if this action that you want to do isn't going to hurt you or anyone else, why not? Put some thought into what you're doing and then go for it. Color your hair purple, make your nails into those claws you've loved for so long. Get a tattoo. Although, you might want to think absolutely thoroughly on that last one.

It sucks to live in a society where you feel like you're constantly being scrutinized and just aren't able to do the things you want to. Maybe you're too scared of the outcome. A little nervous. Maybe you grew up with people telling you to stay natural and not do that thing that you want because your body is a temple and you shouldn't disgrace it.

Even temples have murals, sweetheart.

Nobody can tell you how to live. No one can tell you how to look. Never be afraid of change just because someone else wants you to be. Never be afraid to express yourself because people have silenced your voice. Speak loud, proud, and often and you'll be just fine.

And hey, even if you do get your nails done a new way, get your hair dyed or anything else, that isn't the end. You don't have to stick with it if you don't like it. Just find something you do like, something that makes you happy, and always pursue it.

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