These past few weeks in the life of Lea have been absolute crap. I’m sure you all have had similar days or weeks or maybe even months or years. I had a very substantial and final altercation with my father, had way too much homework, got way to little sleep, my boyfriend was being distant and fought with me over all the things he didn't like about me when the distance turned to insecurity on my part, I was PMSing/on my period for most of it (not to isolate any guys reading this), and last night I got quite suddenly and unceremoniously dumped just hours after spending an entire evening helping a friend through a very extreme case of the blues. You would think seeing someone put their friend first and sit contently with them on the bathroom floor until they are able to stop crying and start smiling would warm a significant other’s heart, but no, instead I got a very emotionless goodbye, which was the perfect cherry on the week from hell.
So, now I can’t sleep because I’m pissed and sad, I feel like I’m PMSing still because of the rollercoaster of emotions about the guy formerly known as my boyfriend—sad, angry, extremely pissed, confused, insecure, sad, pissed again, unresolved, empty, starting to feel better and then no just kidding, start all over—I’m still having issues with the not-so-blatant end to my relationship with my father as I know it, and next week is midterm week, as if I didn't have enough to deal with already.
So basically, all I can think when the sad-angry-extremely-pissed cycle starts over again is life sucks, everyone sucks, everything sucks. And that in itself sucks, which just makes everything else suck more.
Of course, there are the obvious coping methods. Write an angry letter, distract yourself, hang out with friends, think about the positives. But it's very hard to let yourself get better when you're in a bad state of mind. Most people, when they are sad, they roll in it, they drown in it, and the shun the rope out of the pit that everyone keeps trying to throw to them. I am no exception. I am quite frequently my worst enemy.
And even as I write this, I can feel the bad moods threatening to move in again, despite having spent yesterday with my mom and one of my best friends getting nails done, seeing strange movies and visiting the farmers market. It’s like I’m Eeyore with my little gray cloud following me around, and no matter what I do, I can’t shake it.
But then I force myself to exactly what I don't want to do, and I feel better. I know it’s been said a million times and I don't want to get too preachy, but it’s true that most of the time, despite all the outward factors, the only thing standing in the way of you being okay is yourself.
Yesterday, when I got home and felt that little cloud starting to rumble, I did a number of things.
First, I asked my mom to send me pictures of my dog and cat because pets can literally make anything and everything better. I got a photo of my cat hanging—eyes wide, tail curled, head back—from the side of the couch, and one of my beloved labradoodle lying, feet in the air brown eyes pouting, halfway out of his dog bed.
Second, I wrote lists. I wrote a list of the things that were making me sad, and beside it, a list of everything I had to be happy about. Then, I made a third list of everything I had to look forward too. I lined up my lists, and all the good outweighed the bad far and beyond. Then, I took the list of the bad and shredded it into little bits that I then balled up and threw away. (This was probably the start of another angry stage of the cycle.)
Cutting and burning works too, if you decide my home-bred mind-medicine recommendations. Third, I got a hug from my best friend and big bowl of ice-cream. And finally, after sitting for a while with my laptop and said bowl of ice cream distracting myself with homework, I stayed up far too late watching movies with my friends and playing Wii with them. (I know, we’re like 6-year-olds at a sleepover, but that’s kind of the point.) And the funny thing is, I woke up in a good mood.
By all logic, the first thing on my mind should have been the guy that broke up with me or the issues with my dad or the mountain of homework and expectations waiting for me at my desk. But instead, I woke up and remembered my friends and thought about all the things I had to look forward to, from a wonderfully unhealthy helping of Cap’n Crunch for breakfast to fall break to cold weather to dressing up with my friends for Halloween. (And yes, I said dressing up. And no, we are not too old.)
Today I made plans with friends to go to Halloween Horror Nights, set up a lunch date with my Mom for next weekend got ahead on my homework, and actually finished my article before deadline for once in my life. So, despite my little rain-cloud, I think I can count the day as a good one.
And as long as I keep it up, staying busy, staying positive, focusing on the good and not just the bad, I know I’ll continue to have a lot more good days. And so can you. Just let yourself be happy, even if the sky is falling and you’re failing all your classes and you ripped your favorite jeans and you got dumped via text and your car isn't starting. Cry a little, call a friend, remember that the day will pass and it will get better, and don’t be Eeyore. If there’s a cloud, move out from under it. It’s that easy.