You want to tell people that today you managed to do more than you've done in the last week. You want someone to be proud of you. But you don't want to get their hopes up. Or yours, frankly. You don't want to tell them things are getting better when you know it's very possible that tomorrow everything will all crumble apart again.
It's worrying about bothering your friends even more when you know you've already over-shared too many times. It's worrying they'll give up on you. It's wanting to give up on yourself.
You can't help but feel like you will fall again. You don't know how soon it will be before you're back at the bottom of the ravine. You don't know how far you will climb back up before you slip again. And it's tempting to fall early on this time. Because the higher you climb the harder the inevitable fall will be. You're so close to the bottom that if you fell it wouldn't hurt so bad. At least you'd be on solid ground even if you can't see anything. You could just stay down there forever and save yourself so much work and pain.
You start to see how much work is ahead of you. Problems you had to put off or couldn't deal with start to fade back into imminent existence. Getting back up means doing more than the bare minimum to survive. And even though you want that, and you feel like things are getting better you're still filled with apathy for doing anything more than barely existing.
It feels directionless.
You're starting to get better but now what? What do you do first? What's the long-term goal? Do you even have one anymore? You lost all your aspirations trying to survive day-to day. You could reinvent yourself. Be reborn into a version of yourself that doesn't feel empty and sad all the time. But what would you fill yourself up with? Besides the unhealthy coping mechanisms you've been trying so hard to quit?
You still feel alone. Despite starting to socialize more and returning to the old pieces of your life, you still feel like an outsider. You still feel like you don't belong and you just want to hide away because you can't relate to other people and their experiences anymore.
It's like being a stranger in your own life.
It's as if for just one moment all the rain and wind stops and you can see for the first time as all the mist starts to clear. And you can't help but wonder if it only means you're in the eye of the hurricane instead of the end of the storm. And in the depths of your mind and oh-so-broken heart you know it's the former. You know that even though things are getting better it is not the end. You know this isn't the last time you will have to wipe the dust off your shoes and try again. And it's so hard to see the point of getting back up.
And you also know that you don't have a choice. You have to climb to get stronger for the next time you fall. One day you might make it to the top of the cliffs and see something so wonderful and so much more than you could ever hope for; but only if you keep climbing and falling and getting stronger Until then, it's hard to carry on.