One of the most difficult things that a person can encounter during their lifetime is an abusive relationship. It's really hard to see things straight and let things go when you have feelings and emotions towards an individual that means the world to you. Many people are aware of physically abusive relationships, because that is the kind that leaves actual visible damage. They leave people with scars, bruises, and sometimes even worse. But what about the kind of abuse that isn't visible? This type of abuse affects one's emotions and mentality, sometimes even eventually tearing down who they are as a person if it gets far enough. One form of emotional abuse is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when a partner twists information to their own favor or gives false information that causes their significant other to question his or her own memory, perception, and even his or her own sanity.
I personally never understood what was happening to me when I was being gaslighted in one of my own previous relationships. Most people don't when it happens to them. In fact, it wasn't until recently that I learned that there was a term for what I experienced.
My guy liked to flirt with other women. A lot. At first, I would hear stories of it happening behind my back, but then it was all confirmed once he would start to even do it in front of me. When I confronted him, he would accuse me of not trusting him enough and swore that there was nothing even there, even though his actions showed otherwise. He would smile as I told him my concerns and convince me that my worries were nothing, and even though I felt otherwise, I just believed what he said and accepted my own concerns were nothing and I was just overreacting.
Other times, he would deny what I was upset about and made me believe that he didn't have any flirtatious intentions towards that other woman. He would just tell me that that was simply how he was and I just needed to learn how to accept him the way he was. And he would always make excuses for his behavior. When he didn't call on my birthday, he claimed his phone was taken away by his mother and he couldn't contact me. When he didn't do anything for our anniversary, he said it was because he didn't have any money, although I would have just accepted a stroll in the park or a handwritten letter. With time, he also began to neglect me and made me feel less and less important. I eventually automatically started overthinking everything each time I was upset with him.
My brain had trained itself to come up with excuses for his behavior based off of the things he said each time I had confronted him before. I began to belittle my own feelings, even though deep inside, my emotions were killing me. I would hold my feelings in and stopped speaking about them at all. At first, I was able to keep moving on with the heavy weight inside of me but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I was so upset all the time, that I couldn't function normally. I would always be depressed or angry, and I would act upon it all the time with everyone and not just him. I began to feel insignificant, my self-esteem went down drastically, and I began to hate myself and devalue myself because he didn't value me. He managed to make me feel so important when I was with him with the things he would say to me in order to boost my ego a little bit here and there, but he made me feel so insignificant when he would flirt with other girls even though he was with me and when he ignored me for other people constantly.
When I decided enough was enough and I tried to break up with him, he would cry. He would say everything was his fault and that I should think about what was best for me, and he told me that he loved me more than anything else. The awful thing was that when I heard this, I was overjoyed. He actually made me feel like I was important again, and at this point, I constantly needed this validation from him, and him only. No one else. So I decided to stay with him. That was my mistake. The cycle continued and I threatened to leave a few more times. Eventually, we finally broke up when I found out that he had a thing with someone else without me knowing. He wouldn't admit that he cheated on me, but I know what happened. And it didn't stop there. After, during, and in between relationships, he continued to pop in and out of my life and continued to try to restart a relationship with me and played the same old tricks as before. It never hurt any less than it did the first time. However I was used to it at this point, and I had certainly accepted that this would be my life with him. This loop basically occurred for nearly three whole years. But don't worry, eventually, things got better for me and there is sort of a happy ending.
So can one recover from gaslighting? Yes, but the victim must realize that it is occurring to them in order to make a change. Remember, your feelings are valid. If you're constantly unhappy with your relationship, there has to be a good reason. Do not let your significant other belittle you or make you question yourself. Listen to your friends and family. They tend to see the things that you don't. If multiple people say that they are concerned about your relationship, take a step back and look at things from the outside. I ignored all of my friends and family when they tried to reach out to me and ended up having to learn things the hard way on my own. Remember, they're only telling you these things because they love you. Recognizing an abusive relationship and separating yourself from it is the first step toward recovery. Of course it's going to be hard. At first you are going to miss them every single day despite everything that you have been through, but with time, you'll learn that there's more out there in the world for you and that you are worth more than you have ever believed before.
Take it from me. I'm now in a happy relationship with a man who loves me for me. He makes promises that he always keeps and is always there for me when I need him, and I've never been happier. Before, I never thought that there would be anything better than what I had with my ex-boyfriend, but life proved me wrong. Just remember, you are worth so much more than a guy's approval either way, and you deserve the best for yourself. Just keep telling yourself this, and maybe one day, you'll just find yourself finally believing it.
