In case you were wondering what being "gaslighted" means, it's being with a person who manipulates your frustrations or concerns to make you frustrated with yourself. It's the person who won't let you check their phone because they have something to hide, but rather, they tell you that you're insecure and have an unstable relationship if you ask to read their texts and so you accept that label. It's the person who tells you they don't want to date because what the two of you have is so real that you don't need a label, and if you ask for one, you're too possessive and crazy, and no one wants to date someone possessive and crazy.

I got gaslighted. I'm not going to complain about what he did because truly none of it matters. What does matter is what he didn't do. Ultimately, he didn't commit and when the moment came to commit or quit, his answer was, "I don't know." I realized, in that moment, I didn't want to be with someone who "doesn't know" if he wants to be with me or not. I don't deserve to have my time taken by someone who doesn't value it. I settled for almost 10 months with a guy who wouldn't commit. He wan't a bad guy, I really did care for him, I just cared for myself more.

I learned what being a placeholder was like and, let me tell you, it sucked. I would get the gut feeling I was just a pretty face and fun date to be with, until he met a girl he liked better. I learned what it was like to share mutual feelings. I genuinely think love, or even the illusion of love, can make us blind. We become professionals at turning our head from what is right in front of us and clearly outlined. It could be highlighted and flashing and most of us would chose to close our eyes and ignore the bright light glaring in our face.

Hope is a silly thing sometimes and if we become foolish enough to pass up reason, it can be our downfall. Even after months of sitting on our butt, waiting for a guy, we girls still hold onto the hope that tomorrow he's going to stand up from the couch, pick us up, kiss us, and tell us he wants us to be with him, call up all his friends, date for three years, get married, have two kids and a pet dog named Rosco and live in a white house in the suburbs, retire, get a boat, and die together in the hospital bed like they do in "The Notebook." But ultimately, very few guys make it past the standing up portion of that story.

We live in a sad society where everything is an option. People are dispensable and our social media outlets make the entire population a pool for us to pick and choose from. Dating has become talking and marriage has become as non-committal as dating. Sex has become casual and getting a text the next day has become surprising to a shocking amount of girls. We've lost our respect for others by losing respect for ourselves and trying to protect ourselves from getting emotional when, in the end of it all, that is what makes love beautiful, the depth of the emotion and vulnerability. We've become lazy and lonely and keep people around just until we can pass them up for the newer model. We've traded our dignity for desire and we've allowed people to treat us poorly in the hopes that it will lead to a pursuit. We've settled, I've settled, and I don't want to do it again. Being gaslighted taught me, and I have no regrets. I didn't cry after that night. I came home and took a shower and slept, and woke up and haven't shed a tear over him since. I don't miss him, or feel the need to call or text him, because above all, I know he wouldn't answer and I know he wouldn't care. That is what I don't want. I want to be worth it. I want to be worth a commitment and I want to be valued and I want to be desired and pursued passionately and, until I get that, I won't settle. Ultimately, I think that's what we all want.