From Your Anastasia

From Your Anastasia

For my grampy, and for anyone who has ever lost the fixture that held their light like a candle in the darkness.
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The average human heart beats about 115,200 times per day.

You can't answer me, but did you know that?

But then you weren't just average. Maybe that's what happened.

Maybe your heart got too tired of beating not only for you, but also for everyone else you kept alive simply by being who you were.

It's almost been seven years now, and instead of serenading my sadness with a cliche about how it still feels like it was yesterday

I'll instead sit on my knees like I hadn't done in years

Until appealing to a higher power was all I could do; asking someone to take care of me while I learned that I was strong enough to do it myself

And whisper that every time I see a cardinal outside, I take it to be you coming to visit me to remind me that you've never really left my side

It's a bright splash of red against the ubiquitous grey that comes with the monotony of regret. A little flare of hope in my chest.

My math skills are poor, but you haven't seen me for roughly a third of my life.

I got contacts, but I didn't grow any taller.

Technically I'm old enough to buy my own lottery tickets now, but it's not really the same as the happiness on your face when you handed them out to your eagerly clamoring grandchildren.

I still remember when you told me I looked so grown up in this fuzzy purple sweater I wore even though it itched, and you called me Emily Anastasia

I go by Emma now, and when people see my face and hear me talk, they guess I'm older than I really am

It's probably because I've looked death in the eyes and told him I wouldn't dance with him; not today.

I prefer to imagine that instead of being swept up by a dark cloak and bony fingers

An angel came to greet you, took you gently by the hand, and brought you up to where you always belonged.

Because even when I was too young to really contemplate the idea of waking up with the stars glittering inches from your peaceable face

Rather than shining up in the sky a seeming amount of miles away that could only be quantified with a made up number

I sensed that you were not made or meant for this earth.

Seven years ago you left it, but the memory of that day is etched into my heart like the lines of a record.

Except unlike a record, there is no music. No sound. Just a phone. This is how it went.

I hold the phone loosely in my hands. It's cold.

I'd like to tell you this, or anything, really, but I can't.

Because I'm simultaneously too early and too late; too early to realize the gravity of losing you and too late to say that one last goodbye.

The phone yells silently at me, but I can't hear it.

I'm deadened to the nonexistent noise by a cacophony of should've would've could'ves, of questions without answers, and ends without beginnings.

I would take all this numbness and multiply it a thousand times over

I would take all this pain and experience it a million times again

I would take this ridiculous juxtaposition of feeling nothing and feeling everything forever if it just meant you weren't gone.

Because now there will be no more paintbrushes dipped in bright robin's egg blue to pick up, no wedding rings lost amidst years and years of boxes and memories to find, and no hearing your voice say my name. Which is still Emily Anastasia, no matter what I say.

There will be no learning how to write letters on your archaic black typewriter, no sipping chocolate milk and watching it wend its way up the twisty turns of a silly straw, and no laughing as we pretend to shake like the quivering mass of cranberry sauce you loved to make every Thanksgiving. Which is definitely a disgusting invention, but we did it anyways.

There will be no helping you cook seemingly endless amounts of bacon for my cousins and I after we'd spent the night, no replying that of course I trusted you as you drive me to the last family brunch you got to spend with us, and no holding your warm, weathered hand in mine as you sleep peacefully in the armchair next to me. Which made me so aware of how little my hands were, and how many stories there were in the creases of your skin.

None of that anymore.

Now there is just a purple sweater that doesn't fit, photographs of you from when you were younger and life hadn't painted your hair white yet, and the tattoo I got for you.

Now there is just the emptiness of the phone, the stillness of your heart, and sometimes, if I'm very lucky, the faint echo of the last time I made you laugh.

Cover Image Credit: Pixabay

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35 Major Life Facts According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."
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Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."


3. A paper bag is a bank.

"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."


4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation.

Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. Using a movie reference is also a great way.

Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

Nick: "I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline)

"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.


"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"

13. All booze is good booze.

"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy.

"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. Fish, on the other hand, are not.


“Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying.

Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. ...so are blueberries.

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.


Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

"I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."


25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.


"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.


"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

"I believe horses are from outer-space."


30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot.


"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"


32. Sparkles are too.

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."


34. It's important to live in the moment.

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."


35. Drinking makes you cooler.

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

Cover Image Credit: Hollywood Reporter

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4 Of The Best HBO Documentaries Currently Streaming

If you're ready to sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy a top notch documentary, this list is for you.

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Sometimes the mood strikes to watch a good documentary. Lucky for you, I've rounded up the 4 best documentaries that you can currently stream or watch on HBO!

If you're ready to sit back, put your feet up, and enjoy a top notch documentary, this list is for you:

1. "The Jinx"

This 6-part documentary produced by HBO will captivate you from the start and keep you on the edge of your seat until the very end. Robert Durst was and has been accused of a number of crimes, and the creators of this documentary delve into the witnesses and evidence while continually interviewing Durst himself. Watch until the groundbreaking end -- you won't regret it.

2. "Jane Fonda In Five Acts"

Jane Fonda is a famous actress, fitness tycoon, humanitarian, activist, +and all around bad ass. This woman has lived almost all of her life in the spotlight and has experienced more than a few ups and downs. This documentary dives into her life, marriages, transformations, and controversies -- and doesn't hold anything back. Endorsed by Fonda herself, you'll absolutely want to learn more about her fascinating life and how she's managed to navigate her incredible journey.

3. "John McCain: For Whom the Bell Tolls"

Whether or not you agree with John McCain's politics, this documentary is a must-see. This documentary dives into the incredible life of John McCain -- from growing up, his time as a POW in Vietnam, and through his decades of service in the Senate. Through interviews with friends, family, colleagues and McCain himself, you get true insight into what this man has gone through and how his life experiences help shape the humanized view he brings to Congress.

4. "Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind"

Get a look inside the mind, life, career, and comedic genius of the beloved Robin Williams by watching this documentary. Williams was a comedic force and loved by all those who consumed his work and had the pleasure of working alongside him. This documentary is narrated mostly by Williams himself and dives into never-before-seen footage spread throughout his career. If you're a fan of Robin Williams or have enjoyed any of his comedy, you'll love this film.

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