Do you know that stomach-dropping feeling you get when an airplane descends, or when a roller coaster begins its steep, downward drop? Of course you do. Some people find it pleasant and exciting, and some even invite the thrill. Some, however, find it terrifying and scary and want it to be over as soon as possible. Now, how many of you get that same stomach-dropping feeling every time you walk into a test, or quiz, or even a party or gathering that you aren't all that comfortable at? If you are like me, this happens every time, without fail. It's not as if I want it to happen, because I don't choose to get nervous a lot. Frankly, I wish it happened a lot less, but it's a part of who I am, and even though I'm getting better, I don't know if it will stop, no matter how hard I try. I am my own worst enemy here.

I expect the absolute best from myself in everything that I do, as I would assume most people do. In my schoolwork, tests, extracurriculars, a relationship, even in the VIDEO GAMES that I play, I expect myself the be the best "me" that I can be 24/7, and perform in the best possible way, and honestly, that is just not realistic. People have bad days. I know they do, and I know it's not realistic or fair to expect what I expect of myself, and yet I still continue to do it. I just can't seem to rid myself of my own colossal expectations.

Silly, right? I put all of this pressure on myself to be the best, when I know it's not feasible all the time, and I just end up letting myself down and putting myself in a bad mood.

School is where I think this has affected and still affects me the most. When I was younger I used to use the "My mom wants me to have good grades" excuse. After a few years of getting these good grades, I would blame my classmates for the pressure I felt. Obviously it wasn't their fault, but I was doing whatever I could to shift the blame away from myself, without even noticing what I was doing. Whenever I sat down for a test I would think, "What will they think of me when they see I got a bad grade?" As if my 11 year-old friends would stop talking to me forever just because I got a 50 on one singular math test. Absurd, I know, but that was my thought process.

In high school I would use the "college" excuse. By this point I knew what kind of student I was and I knew what to expect of myself, and what my parents expected of me. I had done my research and knew what colleges would expect of me, and I knew I was capable of it all. But little by little, with every "poor" grade I received back, I began to doubt myself. None of my dreams were possible, I wouldn't get into a good school, any school at all, just because of that one C I got on an English essay, or the B- I got on a Trigonometry test. Colleges didn't want that, and my parents certainly didn't want that, I would tell myself. Even on the U.S. History Regent in my junior year, I got a 99 and thought it wasn't good enough because there was someone who had gotten a 100. A 99! Not good enough because I wasn't the best.

In college, though, I have been getting better. It's a process, and I am working through it. I was lucky to find the right group of friends for me at the very beginning of my freshman year, and all that bonding time we spent together really paid off. I'm learning to find better study habits, and I'm learning that since I am trying the best I can, I've left it all out there on the line, so there is nothing to be ashamed about no matter what the grade ends up being. I don't know if there is a better, more freeing feeling out there than that. Maybe it was comfort of getting into the school I wanted, despite the "blemishes" on my high school record. Maybe it was spending with the people I needed right when I needed them the most. Or maybe, just maybe, it is the fact that I'm learning to accept myself as who I am, and not worry about any expectations about what I am supposed to be. I am happier more of the time, worrying less of the time, and enjoying my life and everyone in it all of the time, and I couldn't be more pleased.