Everyone knows a girl that, no matter what happens, tries to see the good in every situation. She doesn't take long to pick herself back up and keep doing what she has to do. Everyone knows a girl that loves to make everyone else happy and is always trying to bring people up into a good mood. She tries to do the right thing no matter what the consequences may be. She's the type of girl you can call any time of the day, and she will be there for you, no matter what. This girl is going through a lot more than she's telling people. When she's in public you would never know what was truly going on.
This girl is me.
I only tell people the little bit I want them to know. To many people that know me, they think I'm this happy, outgoing, don't care type of person, but they don't know half of it. When I am out in public I put a show on for everyone. There are days where I will be in class with everyone and cracking jokes, and as soon as I get home I sit in my room and cry for hours. I don't talk to anyone, or go anywhere, because all I do is cry. I become so mentally drained because I don't want anyone knowing what's really going on.
Sunday night, August 28, I cried for 5 hours straight. Why? I don't have a completely honest answer to it. I was stressed and upset, but mostly I was so sad inside, and I felt alone. I didn't want to be on this earth anymore. I thought to myself, "how would this world be without me?" I hit my rock bottom. Late that night I texted my mother and told her that I need to talk to a doctor about depression. She did not know I was suicidal, or even thinking about it.
Tuesday, August 30, my classes ended at 12:15 pm, so I began my drive home to see my doctor. When I finally got home and talked to my doctor, I told her what was going on. After a long discussion she told me I had to admit myself into the ER and receive further help. After exiting the hospital, I called my mother and my best friend, and told them what I was doing. My best friend offered to go the hospital with me, and my mother would meet us there. I got into the hospital, checked myself in and waited in the ER for 4 hours.
Tuesday night to Friday afternoon, August 30 - September 2, I was put into a psych unit to receive help from a therapist, doctor, and nurses. Those three days were some of the hardest days I have ever been through. I had to open up my heart to complete strangers, people that worked there, but also my peers that were in the unit, too. But by doing that, I was able to relieve so much sadness, stress, and anger.
Those three days I was able to learn a lot about myself, depression, and that it is O.K. to get help! People believe they have to do it alone, and you don't. There are 1-800 numbers you can call, private anonymous groups you can attend, or seeing a therapist, there's many ways to help you cope. Your parents would rather get a phone call that says, "Your child is being admitted due to suicidal thoughts/attempt," than a call that says, "I'm sorry, but your child was successful in their attempt in suicide."
Tuesday, September 6, I went to my college and dropped all my classes, moved all my stuff back home and went to my old job to be rehired. Was it easy doing those things? NO, it surely wasn't. I cried most of the day Tuesday, because I didn't want to leave college, I didn't want to leave my friends, I didn't want to be another semester behind. But it is what I had to do. And sometimes to help yourself, you have to do things you don't want to.
Depression doesn't care how old you are, what you are doing in life, or what your future plans are. Depression takes over my body, I become unmotivated, I rarely eat, I don't sleep, I cry a lot, and most of all I feel lonely. I no longer what to be on this earth. I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this, but it was the card I was dealt. I have the choice to either give in to depression, or come out stronger than ever before.
I don't want praise for this article, don't think I'm trying to be an "attention whore," I'm trying to explain to people that even though you think you know what's going on, you don't. Pay attention to the people you care about, look out for the signs of depression, be prepared, learn about the disease and educate yourself on things you should do.
For people that don't struggle with this disease, remember you only know the 10% of what people want you to know, there's another 90% you might never find out about.
For people that do struggle with this disease and are receiving help, you can do this. You are strong, and you are NOT the disease.
For the people that do struggle with this disease and are not receiving help, please get help. It will be hard, it took me years, but to receive help you have to reach your hand out.
National Suicide Line - 1-800-273-8255