Hey you.

By now, you’re cringing. And I know you’re cringing, because I know you. Oh, and now you’re making that face where you get a wrinkle between your eyebrows and your eyes narrow, almost to the point of being clenched closed. The “Are you serious right now?” face. I know that face all too well. And now you’re biting the inside of your left cheek because I just upset you. You always did that when you were frustrated. Sorry, I’m just really observant.

Does the title confuse you? You started wracking your brain, wondering why, of all the titles I could have chosen, I chose this one. I chose this one because it’s true. Allow me to prove it, in about 700 words.

Dear Person I Thought I Would Never Lose,

It always occurred to me that, eventually, distance would separate us. 65 miles, 100 miles, or now, 40 miles (something that seems like nothing in comparison, a conquerable feat). Even with that always in the back of my mind, a fleeting thought even on our best days, I never pictured not having you around. I knew you would be there for me, always. A phone call away. A text away. Can you imagine how I felt when you weren’t?

The fact of the matter is that you were my very best friend. Our similarities were (almost) unbelievable. It was like we were always destined to find each other in this crazy world, and I thank God every day for leading me to you. You know me better than I know myself, and honestly I miss you like crazy. I miss the friendship. I miss having someone to call and talk about my day at work, from funny kid moments to disagreeable people. I miss having someone to sing in the car with. (I still can’t listen to Kick It in the Sticks, Follow Me, or Bottoms Up without thinking of our nighttime drives.) I miss having you to laugh with, and to share the good and bad with. I miss texting you about anything…and everything. From outfit critiques, to daily annoyances, to, “So you will NEVER guess what happened today!”, you were always a text away. I miss knowing I had you at the end of the day.

I miss you.

I hate it when people ask me how you are, and I have no clue. I once knew you like the back of my hand, the ins and outs of who you were could be recited by me like a page of practiced writing. Honestly, talking about you was my favorite thing. I could brag about you for days (and I would have, if my other friends would have let me). Now, if someone asks me how you’re doing, I have to say, “I have no clue. We haven’t talked.”

And to think, you used to be my best friend.

I miss the Netflix binge-watching sessions. I miss “forcing” each other to sit through shows we pretended to hate. I miss cheering you on at your games. I miss laughing like idiots over everything and nothing, like mishaps in your “new” car, or when your dog just wouldn’t listen to you.

I miss always having a right hand person, and a teammate in any and all things. It just wasn’t the same opening my University of Michigan acceptance letter without you there. It didn’t feel right.

Honestly, I worry about you a lot. I worry about whether you’re happy and safe, wherever you are now. I find myself thinking about you during the most random points in my day – on my drive to work, while I’m getting ready, when that one song comes on the radio. I know you hate it when people worry over you, though. So, let’s pretend I didn’t just say that part.

I am so proud of the person that you’re becoming. An ex-best friend is allowed to say that, right? I am so proud of how far you’ve come in life, just since the last time I saw you. I’ve been cheering you on from the sidelines the whole time. I’ll never stop cheering for you. You are going to go on and do so many amazing things, and if fate would have it, I hope I’m by your side for it all. You are capable of so much. I’ve seen your determination. I know it’s there. Please believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. You deserve all the good that happens to you, and then some. I am so, so proud of you. You deserve the world.

I don’t know what the future holds for you and I, but I do know that I will never find another best friend like you. You are, truly, irreplaceable.

I miss my best friend. There’s a spot in my heart that is yours, and yours alone. I will always have nice things to say.

Love Always,

Your Ex-Best Friend