Hey guys, I know it’s really frustrating to flirt with a girl you’re really into and get nothing in return. I know it’s frustrating to invest a lot of time and energy into another person and get told you’re “like a brother.” I know it’s frustrating to get “friend-zoned.” I can’t say I understand these things first-hand but all the same, here’s a woman’s perspective on the friend-zone.

First off, she might not actually be friend-zoning you. Personally, I’m not the kind of girl that can dive into a relationship with a guy I just met. I have to get to know him better. I have to know whether or not we’re compatible and whether or not he’s someone that I can invest my precious time and energy into. Essentially, I have to be friends first.

Yeah, not all girls are like this. Some girls are more than willing to be romantic with someone they just met. Some girls will immediately feel chemistry and know it. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But a lot of girls aren’t like that. Some girls like to think through their emotions before they allow themselves to feel them. I know that sounds counterintuitive but personally, I never allow myself to feel before I think… or I try not to. And that means that I have to know you’re worth liking before I actually like you.

Okay, so what if she really is friend-zoning you? Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe you need to be friends first too. If you’re not willing to get to know her as a person before you date her, then maybe you shouldn’t date her.

I’ve been in a few situations where a guy was interested in me, and I did as I do, and I tried to be friends first. When the guy-in-question realized that I only wanted to be friends at the moment, he ditched me. That hurt because it told me that he wasn’t interested in me because he liked me as a person but probably because he liked me as a body. He wasn’t willing to be with me emotionally before he was with me physically. Maybe that’s not what he was trying to say, but that’s certainly what I heard. And that’s what other girls will hear too if you make it clear you’re only interested in a romantic relationship.

But there’s something really great about being friends first. You do get to be there emotionally, and you get to establish a light-hearted relationship before you establish a serious one. You get to know each other before you enter a commitment. You already love each other and you can build on that love. Being friends first teaches you how to love a girl, not lust her.

And a little secret… a lot of girls find themselves falling for their guy friends. Not everyone, but it’s certainly happened more than once. So the friend-zone honestly isn’t that bad a place to start.