I realized this passed week that this day was coming. I never know how I should feel, honestly. I'm not going to lie; it sucks. I hate remembering it, I hate thinking about it, and most of all I hate that it comes every year forcing me to do both things. I still miss you as much today as I did five years ago. I often find myself wondering where you'd be right now if things had gone differently. Would we be going out for your 21st this weekend? Would you have gone to school out of state? Would you have been able to successfully teach me how to dougie? I did kind of learn that, by the way. I think you'd have been proud. I like to think that we would have continued to get ourselves into shenanigans and endless giggle fits. I imagine we would have stressed out about all of the trivial things that naïve high schoolers stress about. We would have made it a bigger deal than what it was and then now we would sit together and laugh about how dramatic we were. But none of that happened.

It's weird, trying to even think of what to say now. It's been so long that everything seems inappropriate or irrelevant now. I wish that I could have experienced the rest of high school with you. I wish we could have had more sleepovers on the weekends. We never stopped laughing when we were together, there are times now that I need those laughs. I miss your laugh and its contagious melody. I miss our inside jokes and I hate that we didn't get a chance to make more. I hate that I still have so many questions and no answers. I hate that even five years later I still believe that if I had known something was wrong I could have helped. I hate that I know that if things hadn't happened the way that they did you would have seen brighter days. I hate that no matter what I say it doesn't change anything at all.

I feel like I'm being dramatic, but to be honest it has never and will never make sense to me. The only thing I do know is that you're still not here, I still miss you, and I wish that things were different.