“You would look better with straight hair.”

“You’re not really skinny.”

“If that’s the most expensive thing you own, that’s pathetic.”

These statements cross my mind from time to time, when I look in the mirror, when I do my hair in the morning, when I work out. They sound like something you’d hear from a catty high school bully whose insecurities are projected onto others.

Unfortunately, I heard this at the end of my sophomore year of college from someone a close friend was dating. Each statement was said in front of a group, including my friend, and laughed off as if it wasn’t harmful.

While a little joking is normal, things continued to happen as they continued to date and I felt he was intentionally treating me terribly simply because I’m a black woman. He would ignore my signs of uncomfortableness and take jabs at my hair. He would ridicule everything that came out of my mouth, as if it wasn’t valid or important enough to be said. He sensed the way I felt about him and instead of retreating, he continuously forced his unwanted friendship on me like I had no other choice.

It immediately seemed apparent to me that my friend should break up with him, because if he was willing to treat one of her closest friends with the utmost disrespect, surely it would come around to her.

But nothing happened.

Associating with racist, sexist, or classist people (or any combination of) immediately makes you the same thing as them. Allowing them to dehumanize and disrespect another person, whether you know them or not, not only shows their disgusting nature but also shows your true intentions.

While they may not direct this harmful behavior to you, that does not mean it isn’t harmful to others. Refusing to acknowledge a person’s ridiculous mannerisms like the ones I experienced makes you out to be a weak link. Someone who is not willing to forgo their misguided feelings to defend someone being constantly harassed is a toxic, awful person.

Some would like to call these subtle jabs at a person’s identity harmless, something they need to grow thicker skin for. Some like to make it their personality, as if being racist or sexist is just one of their fun tactics of getting to know someone.

Not quite.

While my confidence is almost always at an all-time high, the fact that I can’t stop thinking about some fifth-year senior’s snide comments about my identity continues to bother me. Furthermore, the fact that this “friend” of mine has yet to drop this racist guy out of her life despite his repeated signs of bigotry really says a lot to me.

Associating with bigoted people without at least making an effort to correct their ways directly makes you a bigot and you don’t deserve the respect you are looking for by just being a follower