Right now, I am a handful of days away from becoming a GCU graduate. I know that's surprising to you. Not only because graduating feels like a lifetime away but because I know after the semester you just had, you don't think you'll last in Phoenix.

Yeah, I know you're tired and you're hurting. Tired because everyone in your life tells you that you're lazy and you're not doing enough. They make you feel bad for wanting to stay in on a Friday night instead of going out to the Halloween Dance or Casino night or any other social activity. They make you feel small and even more alone than you already are. It's okay, they are extroverts. They don't really understand you. You don't really understand you. You're an introvert who needs to be alone once and awhile and you shouldn't feel small for saying 'no.' But at the same time, it's not okay for you to use your introversion as an excuse so you can mask the pain you're feeling.

That's right, I know you're hurting. There are three beds in your dorm room. One of them is occupied with your bedsheets and the other two have ghosts telling you that you're not good enough. Ghosts that have haunted you with rejection.

You tell everyone you're fine and you love having a room all to yourself. Don't get me wrong, the introverted part of you loves having your own room. The rest of you, however, can't help but wonder what you did wrong. Instead of diving deeper to uncover the root of the pain, you make a mess out of your room. I think you thought that the messier the room became, the less empty it would seem.

3x5 notecards, post-it notes, journals, pens, highlighters, and Bibles would be sprawled out on the floor every day. People will walk in and tell you they'd like to be as close to God as you are. It will make you feel good about yourself for a moment, but I know it doesn't last very long. I know because I have the Bibles that you studied viciously with highlighters and pens. I still have the journals you will spend countless hours writing in and you will later read to remind you how long you kept up the facade of being Mary when in reality, you were Martha.

You lost yourself in this "Martha" routine. You'd put in the time to go to chapel on Mondays, the gathering on Tuesdays, and life group on Thursdays. I know you think you're the closest you've ever been to God, but the opposite is true. You've never been farther. When you go back to read the journals like I have, you will see it too. You will see that you didn't even leave room for Him. There is no submitting, no trusting, and no listening in any of your prayers. Instead, you've been treating God like he's your personal vending machine. You put in so many hours you think somehow this will make Him love you more, forgetting the simple truth that He already loves you far more than you could ever imagine. Nothing you say or do will ever make him love you more. It may seem scary until you realize that nothing you can do will make Him love you less.

He loves you and that is the beginning and end of everything. You think all the work you do will heal you. It won't. Keeping yourself busy and trying to mask the empty is not going to heal you. You'll hear their names brought up in casual conversation and simultaneously feel your heart sink into your stomach before you realize that you can't just distract yourself with busy. It will take a lot of crying and waiting. A lot more rejection will turn into ghosts before you ever become thankful for a school like GCU.

But along with all the pain, you will find so much more. You will make friends who eventually turn into family. You'll find hobbies that you enjoy and you will make memories that last a lifetime. College will be your greatest challenge, but also a rewarding victory. You may think you wasted your freshman year, but I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

The hours you spend trying to prove yourself will teach you how to study scripture far more than 13 years of Christian education ever did. It will teach you to talk to God about anything and everything. You still need to learn to listen, but that will come too.

You'll learn how comforting a journal can be. I know right now you think this journaling thing is just a phase like all the other times you tried to pick it up, but 3 years later, I can tell you that you are completing your 10th journal. The best part about journaling is that you can sift through them in years to come and be reminded of all that God has done. All that God has revealed to you. And when you go back to read them, He'll reveal all the times He stood by you. In some of the most painful times, God is with you. In your greatest accomplishments, He is there too.

It overwhelms me to think about what the three years will bring. You will be amazed at your growth so much that you will not recognize who you are. I want you to know this because I want you to stop being hard on yourself. I want you to love yourself because I am proud of you. Not just where you are now, but mostly where you will be soon. One day, you will be too.