No, I Don't Have Free Time, And I Love That

No, I Don't Have Free Time, And I Love That

What I've learned from being this busy is that I will subconsciously make time for things that make me happy

I do a lot of things in my free time. I write for Odyssey (duh), and I also edit for the community. I am in a sorority (Go Gamma Phi!!), and I am on the executive board of the Panhellenic Association.

I dedicate time to my friends, my boyfriend, and my hobbies, like my faith. And on top of all of that, I find time to spend hours and hours in the library, focusing on doing the best I can to get my degree so I can become a nurse.

If you're asking, "When do you have time to eat? Or sleep?" I don't, really. I work it into my normal activities. I don't have free time, and I love that.

I love being involved in so many different kinds of experiences, being a part of so many people's stories, and to go to bed at night being absolutely exhausted. I feel like my life has a purpose, and that everything I do is important and life-changing, even in a small way.

But being busy is more than just personal satisfaction. It's really hard to be depressed or anxious when you move from appointment to appointment, and meeting to meeting. It is so good for my mental health to stay busy and stay moving, with little time to focus on my mistakes before I have to fix them and learn from them.

I used to think that the best way to deal with my depression was to scale myself back from activities to give myself time to heal, but that ended up making me more depressed. Throwing myself into everything I do, truly giving 110% of myself into everything I do, has given me so much more than just helping my serotonin levels.

It has given me self-confidence, proof that I can do everything I set my mind to, and an immense sense of pride as I do something that a year ago would have been impossible for someone as depressed as me.

Even the criticism I get from it has been helpful. Because what I've learned from being this busy is that I will subconsciously make time for things that make me happy.

What makes me happy are my friends who make me laugh genuinely and take my mind off of whatever I'm worried about.

What makes me happy is spending time with my boyfriend, usually listening to paranormal podcasts and watching old movies.

What makes me happy is taking twenty minutes before bed to do some bible study and to center myself to find God's grace in everything.

What makes me happy is what I make time for, and being busy makes me happy.

I won't apologize for not having time for people who make me feel bad for being so much, and I won't apologize for having to "pencil you in" to see how my week plays out. I love my life, and one of my main goals of this year is to not apologize for the things that make me happy and whole.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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Change Starts With Letting Go Of What Doesn't Serve You

Why do we feel the need to stay bound to things that aren't bettering us?

I am someone who is not big on change. I like having a routine to my everyday life and I won't venture far from that. As a college student, this is rough because things are changing, truly, all the time. Your class schedule changes every semester. Your living arrangements change every year. Your friend group shifts according to what clubs and extracurriculars you're involved in. Everything around you is constantly evolving. Some people are all about the ever-changing lifestyle, and I envy those who are able to roll with the punches and enjoy the constant commotion that comes with adult-life.

I wish it was that easy for me.

Since graduating high school, I find myself constantly overwhelmed with the little challenges and annoyances that pop up, and then pile up. Sometimes it feels like it's one major problem after another, and that it's never going to stop. After many sob-filled phone calls with my mom, it's becoming clearer to me that the challenges and annoyances are never going to stop coming. Life is never going to get easier than it is. Be the kind of person who doesn't fear all that's coming, but sees the changes as an opportunity to grow as a person.

I'm beginning to realize that, essentially, everything is temporary. Our jobs, relationships, homes, and feelings are not going to be the same for the entire duration of our lives. So why spend so much time worrying about the inevitability of change? It's imperative to learn to embrace the constant flow of life and use it to your advantage. All of these experiences are molding you into the person you're supposed to be. It's so easy to hold onto things you've been close to for a long time, and it's extremely hard to say goodbye to them. Especially if you're someone who values routine and structure.

As I step into my big girl panties and claim the title of a "young adult," I'm coming to terms with the fact that people come and go, and things are bound to change. At some point, I think everyone needs to learn that it's okay to let go of things that no longer serve you. It's okay to walk away from situations that don't make you a better person. It's okay to let go of people who make you feel less than your worth. Why do we feel the need to stay bound to things that aren't bettering us?

Instead of packing your plate full of things that drag you down, free yourself. Find what gives you purpose and don't let any outer negative factors weigh in on what you make of yourself. Accept everything that comes towards you with open arms and never let certain things hold you back from whatever makes you happy.

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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What I Wouldn't Wish On My Worst Enemy

Karma is a fundamental concept of Buddhism, but compassion and understanding are the fundamental concepts for a long and happy life.

I am a practicing Buddhist. Yes, I'm that annoying person whose house always smells like those stores in the mall that sell swords, hoodies that look hand-woven but probably aren't, and hemp jewelry. Why would a white American college student practice Buddhism? Simple: the teachings of the Buddha have helped me overcome some of the greatest struggles I've ever had to endure. Keeping those teachings in mind has aided me in my efforts to manage my PTSD, keep a level head when my job at a fast food place makes me want to tear my hair out, and most importantly, it has helped me forgive those who have wronged me.

There is a central concept of Buddhism that everyone is familiar with, and that is the concept of karma; good karma, bad karma, everyone has heard of it. At least in the Buddhist tradition that I practice, intentional decisions we make will impact our cycle of rebirth. I believe this to be true. However, I don't like karma. More specifically, I don't like bad karma. I believe it exists, just as good karma does, but I do not agree with it. My reasoning?

My high school bullies.

I was bullied all throughout my childhood and adolescence to the point where I was suicidal at times. Recent events, namely, the shooting in Parkland have made me think deeply about my high school experience. Once a school shooting occurs, fingers are pointed in all sorts of directions to try and find a reason why such a tragedy would occur. Gun control, mental illness, and bullying are all topics of debate. I am of the belief that it is ease of access to firearms that contributes the most to these tragedies, but that is not what this piece is about.

My mom never kept guns in the house. Ever. But if she had, would I have taken my revenge and shot the people who made my life a living hell?

No. I wouldn't have.

Chances are, the first and only person I would have used a firearm on would have been myself.

As much pain as I was in at the time, and as heavy as the weight of that pain is even today, I still would not wish harm to those who caused it to me. My mom always tells me, "Those people will get their just rewards. I promise." But I don't want that. What kind of person would I be if I wanted those people to suffer? I would be no better than they are.

If I got the chance to confront my bullies now, my first question to them wouldn't be, "So how was it, peaking in high school?" (as satisfying as that would be to ask). My first question would be one word: why?

Why did you think it was okay to say, "Go kill yourself." to someone? Why was I the one you thought deserved to be treated like shit? What did I ever do to make you hate me? Because no one says the kinds of things that you said to someone they don't hate with a passion?

To anyone who once knew me, who might be reading this and thinking it might be about them, chances are it probably is. So I want you to know something.

I don't hate you. I never did. I didn't hate you when I was angry, I didn't hate you when I was sad. I didn't hate you in any of the moments I probably could and should have. I don't want you to suffer. I don't want bad karma to come to you. It pains me to see that for some of you, it already has.

All I want for those who have intentionally hurt me in the past is to see that they have changed for the better. I want to know that they regret what they did because it was wrong, not because karma has come knocking. I have learned to be kind because I know how it feels to be the victim of someone else's cruelty. I want the same for the people who committed those acts of cruelty.

Cover Image Credit: Yogapedia

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