Forgiveness- one of the easiest ways to escape and get rid of pain, yet it is one of the hardest things to actually do. Why? Why wouldn’t we want to let go of our anchors and be free from our heart and mind’s personal prison? Why wouldn’t we want to move past the things that keep our sadness and anger lingering around? The question is more than difficult to answer.

As humans, we create most of our sadness and anger by holding onto things that have hurt us, we remember who hurt us, but have forgotten we have too been the one to afflict pain. We keep our offenders alive and wonder why we feel dead inside. All of that anger, sadness, bitterness and despise are all wrapped up in one, and not wrapped up in a pretty red bow; they are wrapped around our hearts like vines stealing our goodness and keeping strong negative energy around which creates that anchor deep within our soul. It makes our fiery red hearts cold, grey stone, but I will provide one personal example of how letting go and forgiving completely changed my life forever. It has to do with the relationship between my mom and I.

Growing up, my mom constantly gave me a hard time about the choices I made. She always had a judgement to make about anything from the clothes I wore to me becoming baptized into the Catholic Church. She never seemed to be fully content with who I was as a person. She led me to believe that I wasn't the daughter she expected me to be and it caused a lot of tension and many fights, thus creating a thick wall between us; we couldn't even be in the same room for more than an hour without some type of disagreement. When it was good, it was good, but when it was bad, it was really bad. My mom and I were worst enemies but our shadows were best friends. Our connection was always icy hot and we were the best contradiction.

As the years went on, and as I grew older, I eventually came to the conclusion that my mom is my mom. She may not like all of my choices, maybe she made growing up seem a little impossible at times, but I was not perfect either and she is still my mom. She and my dad adopted me all the way from Samara Russia when I was 22 months old. I know she loves me. She just loves me in her own way. The moment I realized this, I let go of all the anger and pain that stuck with me throughout childhood. I suddenly did not care about the things she did or said that hurt me. I learned that we would and could agree to disagree about anything but our love for one another. Everyone loves in a different way. This woman may have disliked my personal choices and did a few hurtful things but she was also the one who helped me with school projects, the one who taught me how to be creative and try new things and the one who always showed me how to find adventure everywhere I go so, who cares if she didn't like me spending all my time practicing basketball or my faith. She showed me her love in her own unique and special way. Nobody goes across the world to adopt a child without having love.

I recently just talked with my mom and it got emotional because she, for the first time ever, admitted she made a few mistakes along the way with me and that she was proud of my accomplishments and who I am. Perhaps if I stayed angry and gave up on our relationship because of all the issues, I never would have heard those words come from her mouth. She said them at a time in my life I needed to hear them most so I can easily say, it was worth the wait. Forgiveness and not walking away from her saved us and we are on much better terms these days. All I did is let go of negative feelings and forgive. We all have what it takes to break free from our chained down hearts and we all can cut the noose that suffocates us and learn to forgive. Perhaps forgetting is impossible but forgiving is not. So start right now, choose to forgive and watch as a little more weight is lifted off your heart and mind. Be free and always love.