Letting go of things has never been my forte and I am sure you can tell. I am a deep feeler, if that is even such a thing someone can understand. It's the best I can put into words at the moment. When I make mistakes often enough I know it right away and can make myself sick in disappointment.
There are many sins in this world and while some may believe that some wrongs are greater than others, in the bible we learn that all sins are equal in the eyes of the higher power. So maybe I didn't kill anyone or I didn't rob a bank, but what I did do is make someone I care about very much feel insufficient.
Yet, I am the one who feels hurt. I am the one that walks around with the heaviness from knowing that nothing is ever going to be the same. This entire time I thought I was being hurt more than I hurt them, but there's really no way I can determine that, nor does it matter.
How can I feel sorry for myself for living with this consequence, when in reality it's just the result of someone no longer wishing to be subjected to my cruel and unreasonable expectations?
While I do not have the ability to mend that mistake, despite my best efforts, it is not something I can make up for. It is a regret I cannot take back, it is a choice that I made, that led others to making their own choices in which I have no right to question, argue, or attempt to convince otherwise.
I know I am not perfect and I know I will probably never truly be forgiven by those I inflicted pain on, but that doesn't mean I have to live every day of my life hating myself for something I can't take back which is exactly what I've been doing for the past year.
Honestly, it's exhausting, and so is trying to come up with new ways to beg for your forgiveness just to be reminded that nothing I can ever do will rectify the situation.
Therefore, I promise to let you be mad at me forever. I promise not to try and fight it or cause you anymore grief. I forgive you for not forgiving me, and believing that your life is better without me in it. I promise to follow your example and let this go just as you let me go.
I am going to forgive myself for speaking out of spite in a moment of tension and craziness. I forgive myself for appearing to be self righteous in a single moment. I forgive myself for wanting everything to be perfect for one day. I forgive myself for all the failed attempts I made at resolving this.
I forgive myself for time after time being put in a position where I am made to feel unwanted, not good enough, and probably the worst of it all, no longer worthy of your love. Starting today, I forgive myself for holding on so tight to something that just is no longer meant to be.