Since I was young, I always hated the holidays. I hated vacation.
It meant a time when the family got together, and for me, that was never, ever, a good thing. There was yelling and berating between members of my family. I played video games, pretended not to pay attention to any fighting, and tuned it out the best I could.
When I went away to college, I considered it the best possible solution to go far away from home.
These are details that a couple of years ago I would have very reluctant to share. But I share it this holiday season because it's the first time I've enjoyed a holiday break in a very, very long time.
Life is messy. Families are dysfunctional. Human beings can be sinful and bad, but God is good. These are things I've learned throughout my lives to be, to me, fundamental truths.
And my family is like any other. Messy. Dysfunctional. Broken, but still somehow moving forward. I work now in an inner-city school and environment. I teach kids with even more tragically broken families, or no families at all. I have kids raised exclusively by grandparents, kids without a stable place to stay on a given night, most kids living with only one parent.
I'm reminded every day about how lucky I was growing up, how even though it was messy and confusing, I had both my parents. I had a sibling. I never had to worry about a roof over my head or food on my plate. At a certain level, the basic needs on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs like food, clothing, and shelter were never things I really had to worry about. I have never worried about my ability to work or find a place to stay or get a job.
Yes, once you reach the third level of love and belonging, I could have been better provided for. But I am privileged in many more ways than I've ever known. Yes, I've been through a lot in a short life, but my students have too, and have been through more.
Everything I've been through and that my family has been through has made us who we are now. I express no regrets, because I wouldn't want to be in any other place that God has put me in. I'm the luckiest person in the world, and every prayer I have is one of gratitude. I have owned my circumstances and misfortunes, because I wouldn't have been driven to help my students any other way.
And I wish that one day I'll help my students see it the same way. But that's speaking from a position of age and privilege. No matter what I believe, no matter how much I worship Christ, it is not my place to impose those beliefs on others, especially my students.
This vacation is different because it is a necessary break from an overwhelming job, but it's another reminder on how fortunate I am. I have a lot to be thankful for. And part of what I realize I'm so thankful for is family. I'm carrying the emotional burden of my dysfunctional family, and I always will.
But I'm really grateful for my family because, no matter what wasn't perfect, I was raised well. I had a mother that went above and beyond to work and take care of me at home. I had a father that worked to not only support me, but an extended family in China.
I never realized how much of a burden they were carrying on their shoulders until I became a teacher in Baltimore. It wasn't easy for them. It never was.
The greatest life skill I've gotten is to be comfortable with dysfunction. I've learned how to navigate environments with lots of trauma, where things don't seem to make sense. My faith has been a coping mechanism, as have been my relationships. Life is life. The world is a broken world. Family is family. I'm glad to be as lucky as I have, and no one else can have the same story.
And for once, I'm glad to be home for vacation.