To the grandparents I lost...

I am sorry if my mistakes for the last five years where far from what you expected from me. I am sorry that I did not call as much as I should have or even texted. Not a day goes by that I do not miss you or wish I could hear your voices again.

Grandpa, I knew how bad the cancer was and I still could not "man up" and walk into that room with you as much as I should have... I just brushed it off and went about my way. Then you were gone the next week and I could never forgive myself for not being there. Growing up you were not a real religious man, but I am thankful that I can go on with the rest of my life knowing that you found God and believed in him before you went to his mansion. It has put such an ease on my heart and especially's mom's.

Granna, no one knew you would be gone so soon. You seemed so healthy to us and then one morning we wake up and you are dancing with God. It hurt. Who else was going to sing "You Are My Sunshine" to me? You were my biggest supporter; called every morning before a dance competition, recital, chorus concert, etc. I miss hearing you sing and playing the keyboard. I miss you making egg sandwiches every time I stayed the night... I just miss you... a lot.

"You never know what you have until it's gone." It is one of the oldest clichés, but the most important cliché. I had a chance to pay attention to this forewarning but ignored it. And I'm sorry. Every day I wonder what it would have been like if I had called more, if I had not taken the time I had with you both for granted, and if I still make you proud.

Since I was young, I always thought that when I graduated and got married all of my grandparents would be there. I figured that when I fell in love for the first time my Grandpa would be there to make my boyfriend answer countless questions about what he wanted in life, and my Grandmother would be trying to talk to him about God. I always wished that when I got famous or wealthy, I would be able to pay them back for all they did for me and my mom.

But I never thought that I would lose both of my maternal grandparents in the same year... not even two months and three days a part.

There have been countless days that I would dial their numbers thinking they would answer, then they don't. It has been a long and tiring five years. I have had many bad days but a lot of good days. I have seen my mom break down because, well, she lost both of her parents. But if there is anything I have learned through these years, it is that the strongest people are those who can admit they are weak.

Losing someone is not easy, and it never will be. Every day, you wonder if they are in Heaven looking down smiling at you or frowning. You go through life talking to peers, reminiscing on the first time you drove a diesel or had to sing in the church choir, and you get teary eyed because the people in that memory are no longer here for you to talk to.

Every year, my mom calls it a season. The month of May starts it and it is three almost four months of just pain and agony. It hurts knowing that "season" is coming. It puts you in a bad place, and I would never-EVER wish this kind of pain on anyone, not even my enemy.

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” - Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy