I am a queer cis-woman currently dating a straight trans-man.

Since I met Jasper after he had already began his transition, I never had to traverse through the rough waters that is loving your partner through a gender transition. Instead, I have had to try to come to terms with my own queer identity amidst a culture that perceives me as heterosexual. This struggle has ultimately manifested itself into a constant state of self-reflection, during which I came to terms with the fact that I do not know how to tell people I identify as.

There are, however, a few things that I know deep within my soul to be true, and I’ve decided to share those things with my readers. Falling in love with anyone is not easy, but falling in love with a transman has been especially kind to me.

1. People are going to say what they think, whether their opinion matters to you or not.

I have found this to be especially true when people who knew me before I started dating Jasper ask about my identity. They say things like, “You can’t identify as a lesbian and date a trans man. That invalidates his gender. He deserves better than a lesbian”. Don’t you think that I know that? Don’t you think that him and I had that conversation already? I don’t see him as an experiment or a “sex-ception”. I see him as the most wonderful person I have ever met, man or woman, and for some reason unbeknownst to me I experience a strong sexual attraction to him. Maybe it’s the cologne, maybe it’s the animalistic pheromones. I don’t know why I love him, but I do – and that shouldn’t mean that I have to give up my identity just because I fell in love with a man.

2. People are very curious about sex.

Like, do they know Google exists? So many people honestly do not even understand how lesbians have sex – and so when you throw a trans person into the mix their brains turn into mush! This one could probably be pushed into the first header, to be honest, because people seem to think that because they know my partner is trans they are allowed to ask whatever insensitive or personal question they have about our bedroom activity. The simple answer, for me, is no I am not willing to share that kind of information with you - not all trans men have surgery, not all trans men are on hormones, and not all trans men want to explain to you which path they're on.

3. Some of my community does not consider me a part of the community.

Believe me, I am acutely aware of my “passing privilege” and have been since my long hair, pink nails, and flower dresses have scared off any potential female suiter since I started puberty. Being out and proud has always been an important part of who I am. But now, I face an even deeper kind of invisibility – I am in a heterosexual relationship. Suddenly, I am not even “gay enough” to be friends with the same lesbians that I was friends with before? I find myself surrounded by other heterosexual couples, talking about heterosexual things, watching heterosexual television shows and having boring old heterosexual sex. (I’m kidding, of course, heterosexuals have fine sex).

4. It's really lonely.

There, I said it. And it’s not because he isn’t “enough” for me, and it’s not because we don’t communicate – it’s because when I’m hanging out sipping wine with my girlfriends at the end of a long week, no one really “gets” what we’re going through. I can’t blame them – they’ve never taken a TRANS 101 class (neither have I, though, can we change that?). They don’t understand what it’s like to feel like a part of one community on the inside, but a different community on the outside. And that's no one's fault - if anything, it should encourage us as a community to seek each other out and have these discussions with people, so that we don't have to feel so invisible. We should be open and proud of the men that we love!

5. Falling in love with a transman has not changed my sexual orientation—just expanded my definition of it.

Before I met Jasper, I was quick to ignore all male counterparts, only allow myself to appreciate the beauty in females. Since I have been open with myself about how fluid sexuality can be, I have been able to find people I never would’ve found attractive (men, I am specifically speaking about men here) well, attractive. Falling in love has ultimately taught me that what matters is not a person's genitalia, but their character.

I am so blessed to have had patience, understanding, and unconditional love throughout my relationship with Jasper. Dating a trans man is not easy, but it challenges you to expand the idea of this “rainbow of diversity”. Match his bravery and confidence with your own and your relationship will explode into fireworks of pride, love, and far more support than you ever dreamed possible.

Stay proud.