I recently got a new haircut.

No, scratch that. I recently CHOPPED my hair.

Honestly, my hair hasn't been this short since second grade, so it was a huge change for me. So much so that it felt like a breakup...

Here are the five stages of breakup I went through when I decided to ditch my old locks.

(Left: before; Right: after)

1. Contemplation

A breakup always starts from staying with the same guy for so long that the thought of leaving the other person becomes ever so tempting, especially when there’s another cute boy/girl around (wink wink). The desire to dramatically change your hairstyle also starts there. When you’ve had the same hairstyle for so long... you feel jealous to see others in their cute and different haircut. In my case, I’ve literally been with long hair for over a decade. This is not the first time I have the urge to dramatically change my hairstyle, but I always chickened out the last second. Yet, seeing at least five people recently getting fresh hairdo made it so tempting for me to chop my hair. I started contemplating saying goodbye to my long hair for months.

2. Conversation

Once the thought of potentially breaking up is planted in your head, you start talking about it with your close friends and families, all the time. Secretly you know you want to do it, but you’re still hesitating and wanting to get support from people around you: Do you think I should do it? When/How should I do it? You might even start planning and play out how you imagine the process will be like during these conversations: I think I’m gonna do it next week! What do you think I should say?

Same goes for getting a dramatic haircut. Once you have the urge, you start talking about it all the time. I’ve managed to circle back almost every conversation I had with my friends to “maybe getting a new haircut”. I even planned with my roommates to “cut my hair short” and “do it on Friday night!”

3. Commitment

I don’t know if you catch the irony here: commitment to break up? What an oxymoron! Anyways, after countless conversations with everyone, you finally commit to taking actions. On the planned night, or maybe on a whim, you drop the bomb (or hair). I’ve made so many plans with my roommates to cut my hair but fell through on every single one. Then, on a not so unusual Saturday night, I decided I couldn't wait anymore. I couldn't bear to live the same old same old anymore! Within 10 minutes, I found a place and made an appointment. On that very same and uneventful night, I sat down with a barber standing behind me.

4. Crying

Oh, remember the feeling after you “break the news” to your boyfriend/girlfriend? That feeling of a punch in your stomach, or a clench of your heart, or a rock in your throat, or however you want to describe that sickening feeling? You start questioning your decision: I thought it was the right decision, why am I feeling so sad? Did I just make a fatal mistake? How can I reverse everything? It is such a huge change that you have such a hard time accepting it, even though it was your own decision. I was in complete shock to see myself in short hair. Oh, how I thought I look super dumb in the super straight and short hair! Gosh, dang it! Why would I do this to myself? I went back, locked myself in my room and started shaking and crying uncontrollably from extreme anxiety.

5. Consummation

Finally, when you are done crying or screaming, you finally come to terms with reality. You can finally calmly accept your decision and reconcile with your new identity. You may even be surprised at how refreshed and free you feel. At this time, you successfully completed the five stages of a breakup. After two hours of crying, I managed to calm myself down and decided to take a shower. I walked out of my room, only to be showered by my roommates’ compliments. One of them even jumped up and started styling my hair. I felt surprised and new. It was a good decision after all.

Truly I tell you, cutting my hair this short was not an easy decision. It was actually a breakup from my old self and old relationships. For so long, I thought I had to be a “girl” to win male gazes and validations. I suppressed the playful child inside me for so long, because my ex had told me I “should be like a girl, who wear dresses and have long hair.” Now, over a year has passed since my last relationship. I finally stepped away from the image imposed on me and embraced that tomboy inside me, with my hair short and jeans on.