This is going to be a very personal article for me. This article is going to lay my whole seIf out for all to see. I have nothing to hide. If I can't be honest with myself then I'm not really being honest with anyone am I? Now let us begin.

First of all I am a LIAR. I lie to everybody, I lie because it has become a way of living, and do you know why? I let it. Once you lie it becomes easier and easier to lie everyday and after you lie once you will lie again and again. I am not just talking about lying to people either. I am talking about lying to myself. Oh I have told myself so many lies that I have lost track of them all. I always tell myself that I am going to change, but I never do. No matter how many times I tell myself this is the last time, I never really mean it.

Added on to the lying to myself and to others I have lied to God. When you think about it, it is pretty pointless to lie to the divine being who knows everything, but I do it anyway. I used it as a way to run from him. Why? I am angry at myself. All this time I thought I had the right to be angry at God for the things that have happened in my life, but do you know what? Enough is enough. Yes I may of had some super crappy things happen in my life, but who hasn't? I have dwelt in the past, and I have lied to cover it up. I haven't been able to move on because I sit there and dwell in that state of mind. By doing this I am in a place I do not want to be.

Second, I am manipulative. I have been using people to get what I want. I learn what hits at people's heart strings and I pull and twist until I get them to do what I want them to. It is a terrible thing to do, but I do it anyway. In the past I would have blamed this on someone else, but do you know what? It isn't their fault. I am the who chooses to do the things I do. I am the one who chooses to be that way. Things in my past may have had their affect on me, but that does not mean that I should let them shape who I am. Especially if it is someone that does things like the above.

Thirdly, I am a poser. By this I mean I am pretending to be someone I am not. Everyone wants to belong, yes? I do to. The problem is I want to belong everywhere. By dong this I have lost where I truly belong. I have pretended to be all about the religious scene. I have tried to be all about the rebel scene, the caring, the cool, the quiet, and even the alone scene. By doing this I have no clue where I belong, or what I should do.

My parents say I should walk with God, but for some reason that does not feel right to me. The problem is, is that I know that is who I was supposed to be. I know I should be that way, I know I should follow God. I have just chosen not to do it as of late. That brings me into my fourth thing about me.

I am afraid. I am afraid to be myself. I am afraid to walk with God. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid to be with people and I am afraid to be alone. I am just AFRAID! Why do I have so much fear? Why am I so full of doubt? I have seen the wonders of God, I have read about them. I have been taught them. Why can't I choose to follow them? I am afraid to.

Part of the reason I think I am afraid is because I am afraid to finally be at peace. I have been fighting with myself and others my who life. I am still trying to figure out this reason. I often lay awake at night and think of all the things I could have done better. I think of all my mistakes. I cannot give you a number of the nights I have cried myself to sleep full of regret. If there was a way to go back and time to change my mistakes I would have given anything to change them.

I have learned that none of my actions are reversible. With this information I know I have to try and make better choices. With making better choices and sticking to them I have to become truthful to myself. With the changes I have made I will become a new person who will be able to live and interact with others and not manipulate them into what I want them to be. I will have found out who I am and there for not need to conform to fit in. For what I will have found is safety, home, peace, and courage.

With these new ideas I this time will bring about for myself I will become what I want to be. I want to be an obedient daughter, not just to my parents, but to God. I will be a good role model for my siblings. I will become a better friend. All in all I would like to become a new person in general.

I am tired of being the person huddled in a dark corner waiting for the storm to subside. I want to be the storm. When I am the storm I then know I have achieved everything I was destined for.